Ryan Reynolds Monologues

From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.

I know right? You're probably thinking, "Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie"? I can't tell you his name, but it rhymes with "Polverine."

And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under.

You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.

Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.

Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.

Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.

Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!

A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls.

Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible… and completely unfuckable.

Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.

Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!

I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.

You, go be a big brother to someone! And tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn!

Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment - right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.

LOOK! I'm a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on, take your pick.

I heard that you were talking shit / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...

A hush fall over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. His form looks good.

Oh! And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.

My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a polluted fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.

I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation. Dopinder this is *no* way to win Gita's heart back!

I am so proud of you.

Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.

Kill him.

Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the the whole world taste like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love... tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?

Goddammit! I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, and maximum effort.

She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.

I've got no problems with Hugh. I mean he's a delightful guy, he really is. True legend. But the movie, that was a career low for me.

Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread but at least fuckface won't heal from that.

See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot… pull out, here we go… that looks nice, its gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singing…

"I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!"

Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!

Did I say this was a love story? It's a horror movie.

Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say... it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?

Mom! I need my skates to show off my talents!

Look Jamie. I said a lot of crappy things the other night and I'm sorry about that. The truth is, I'm scared to be your friend, because I'm always going to want more. But then I got to thinking that I would rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.

You know that's a lie too.

Because I want to take you on a date. And I don't care if it's in the day, or at night, or whenever, as long as it's a real date. And I wanna tell you how beautiful I think you are. Inside and out. And I wanna have babies with you, and I wanna marry you, and I love you Jamie. I always have.

Sorry. Twenty years all at once, just blah!

So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy… more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen.

I can't hear you Samantha. I can't hear you. OH! Lightbulb!

Simply Dusty'… is there no other kind?

No, you have fun being the girl who peaked in high school.

This is it. You're finally going to have sex with Jamie Palamino. Oh God, look at that face. Look at that body. Why are you smiling like a fricken idiot? Go on. Make a move. MAKE A MOVE!

Dude! You're killing me! This is the girl of your dreams! Ravish her! What if she doesn't want to be ravished? What if she wants to stay friends? Friends don't ravish each other. Friends watch New Years Rockin' Eve. I wonder who's hosting this year.

Hell yeah. Her feet aren't even cold. This is it. Don't even think about how weird tomorrow's going to be.

Oh my God, when you get past all the glamour, it's just crazy. I mean, you got Pink calling you, Good Charlotte, then it's Jay-Z's birthday party, and I am totally name dropping right now and I'd really like to stop. Mick Jagger. How about you?

Dear Jamie, When we're together, I feel like we're not in high school, but in our own little Chris and Jamie world. Whether we're watching 'Party of Five' or practicing our cheers, I feel like I can just be myself. Jamie, we've been friends for a really long time, but I want to be more than that. Hoping to be your boyfriend… Sincerely, Chris Brander. BFF!

See when a girl decides that you're her friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become this complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.

Yea well then don't be her friend, okay? Take that guy for example…

No, I mean the guy that *wishes* they were a couple.

My point is - Call Sheila, Ray. Call her right now. Move your day date to tonight. Play the entire thing aloof and no matter what you do, kiss her at the end. 'Cause friends don't kiss.

Three days ago, I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. Then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to changed. Things changed when we kissed. And when you told me about your tattoo. Even when you checked me out when we were naked. But I didn't realize any of this, until I was standing alone… in a barn… wifeless. Now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman I love is about to be kicked out of the country. So Margaret, marry me, because I'd like to date you.

I know. I know. Tell Gammie I'm sorry. What do you want me to tell you, she's making me work late again. I've worked to hard for this and I'm sure that dad is pissed.

But we take all our submissions very seriously and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

C'mon. Let's go. My grandma's moving faster than you.