Ti West

I hate you so much for leaving me here sometimes I hope you die.

I'm sorry. Our love ain't full enough, but it's the truth. I was curious… about other men. I'm sure you don't want to hear about a stranger satisfying your wife, and I swear it was only once. It was a mistake. It wasn't him that I wanted, I know that now. I just hope things can go back to the way they were before, but I don't see how they could. Not after the things I've done.

Oh, Howard. I realize how this all must sound. Honestly, there was a time I was flattered to have someone as handsome as you pine over me. You're such a good person, I know that. I made sure to always be mindful with your heart. I never wanted you to feel jealous. It's an awful feeling like a rot the way it just twists and turns at your insides. I know that aching so well. I feel it.. whenever I see others whose lives come easy because.. the truth is I'm not really a good person.

The reason I kept my eyes to the ground to avoid other men was never to avoid hurting you. It's cause I understood how lucky I was to have your attention. I may be a poor farm girl, Howard, but I'm not stupid. I spotted you the moment you came to live with us. You worked hard like the other farmhands, but you were different. You were from somewhere; a nice, comfortable place that you could return to whenever you wanted. I'm so desperate to have that. All my life I've wanted off this farm and you were my ticket out. So… I made sure to never let you see who I really was. Worked like a charm, too. Then, you finally brought me back to your home to meet your family and it was just as I hoped. Like straight out of the pictures. At least that's what it felt like to me. But you didn't want it. You wanted to stay here with me on our farm and it made me so angry. How could you? I'm certain you knew I hated it here. You must've. How could you be so selfish and cruel after all I've done to make you happy?

I was pregnant with your baby. I never wanted to be a mother. I loathed the feeling of it growing inside me. Felt that sickness. Pulling, sucking on me like some needy animal in a barn. How could I be responsible for another life? Life terrifies me. It's harsh, and bleak, and draining. I was so relieved when it died. It was one less weight keeping me here but then the war came and you left me too. Why did you leave me, Howard? I hate feeling like this. It's so pathetic. Do people like you ever feel this way? Figure you don't... you seem so perfect all the time. Lord must have been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don't know why. What did I do? What is wrong with me? Please just tell me so I can get better. I don't wanna end up like Mama I wanna be dancing up on the screen like the pretty girls in the pictures. I want what they have so badly... to be perfect... to be loved by as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and a fear washes over me 'cause what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong? I'm a failure. I'm not pretty, or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I'm not smart, or funny, or confident. I'm exactly what Mama said I was: weak. But I don't know why. What did I do? Why wasn't my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I'm so scared that when you finally come home you'll see me and be frightened like everyone else is. I know what I've done. Bad things. Terrible, awful, murderous things. I regret them now, but I liked how they felt. I wish I didn't, but I did. At first, it was only animals smaller than myself. Nothing with feelings, nothing that could hurt me back. Felt good. Killing's easier than you'd think. 'Til recently; with Mama and the boy from the picture house - they were different. They were more meaningful. I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer, but poor Daddy didn't deserve that. I wish I hadn't done what I did. Mama meant well. She had a hard life. She only wanted a home to feel safe in, I can see that. I thought I hated her, but I just wanted to feel safe too. My Lord. I made such a mess of things. I don't know how much more I can take. I need to clean this up. All of it. I need to make things right before you see me again. Maybe if I could turn this farm into a home just like you wanted, things will finally be different. I can forgive. I can be who you want me to be. If you'll just stay with me. Would you do that, please? I can't be all by myself anymore. It's too hard.

We can love each other. I'll do that for you; if you really meant all that. 'Til death do us part. It'd be enough. Just you and me here on this farm. All I really want is to be loved. I've had such a hard time without it lately.

How could I be responsible for another life? Life terrifies me. It's harsh, and bleak, and draining. I was so relieved when it died.. it was one less weight keeping me here but then the war came and you left me too. Why did you leave me, Howard?

..I hate feeling like this. It's so pathetic.. Do people like you ever feel this way? Figure you don't.. seem so perfect all the time. Lord must have been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don't know why- what did I do? What is wrong with me? Please just tell me so I can get better- I don't wanna end up like mama I wanna be dancing up on the screen like the pretty girls in the pictures. I want what they have so badly.. to be perfect.. to be loved by as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering.

..Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and a fear washes over me 'cause what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong?.. I'm a failure.. I'm not pretty, or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I'm not smart, or funny, or confident. I'm exactly what mama said I was, weak. But I don't know why- what did I do? Why wasn't my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I'm so scared that when you finally come home you'll see me and be frightened like everyone else is.

I know what I've done.. Bad things. Terrible, awful, murderous things… .

never wanted you to feel jealous. It's an awful feeling like a rot the way it just twists and turns at your insides. I know that aching so well. I feel it.. whenever I see others whose lives come easy because.. the truth is I'm not really a good person.

If i meant to live out the rest of my days with you and daddy on this farm, then so be it, but i'm *only* young once! If i go to this audition and i don't get picked, then i'll come home and i'll NEVER speak of it again, i swear. But i *have* to know that i tried, or i'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. Please mama, you have no idea what i'm capable of!