Terry Southern

Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with the American People than with your image in the history books.

Sir, you can't let him in here. He'll see everything. He'll see the big board!

It'd be naive of us, Mr. President, to imagine that these new developments would cause a change in Soviet expansionist policy. I mean, we must be increasingly on the alert to prevent them taking over other mine shafts space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do. Thus, knocking us out of these superior numbers when we emerge! Mr. President, we must not allow a mine-shaft gap!

Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.

Doctor, you mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after he issued the go code. I have a portion of the transcript of that conversation if you'd like me to to read it.

Ahem… The Duty Officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact that he had issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural… fluids. God bless you all" and he hung up.

Uh, we're, still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.

If the pilot's good, see, I mean if he's reeeally sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low… oh you oughta see it sometime. It's a sight. A big plane like a '52… varrrooom! Its jet exhaust… frying chickens in the barnyard!

Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.

Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but frankly, we think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, lookit all them Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit.

Hello…

I told you never to call me here, don't you know where I am?... Well look, baby, I c-, I *can't* talk to you now... my president needs me!... Of *course* Bucky'd rather be there with you!... Of *course* it isn't only physical!... I deeply respect you as a human being... Some day I'm gonna make you *Mrs* Buck Turgidson!... Oh, listen uh, you go back to sleep hon, and Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can... All right... listen, sug, don't forget to say your prayers!

Mr. President, about, uh, 35 minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the commanding general of, uh, Burpelson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34 B-52's of his Wing, which were airborne at the time as part of a special exercise we were holding called Operation Drop-Kick. Now, it appears that the order called for the planes to, uh, attack their targets inside Russia. The, uh, planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of, um, 40 megatons each. Now, the central display of Russia will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their primary targets; the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within, uh, 25 minutes.

That's right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.

As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of Plan 'R' provides that once the go-code is received, the normal SSB Radios in the aircraft are switched into a special coded device which I believe is designated as CRM-114. Now, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders, CRM-114 is designed not to receive at all - unless the message is preceded by the correct three-letter recall code group prefix.

That's about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every possible three-letter combination of the code. But since there are 17,000 permutations... it's going to take us about two-and-a-half days to transmit them all.

Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big, fat Commie rat! I mean, supposin' Kissov is lying about that fourth plane, just lookin' for an excuse to clobber us. I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, now, we're in trouble.

Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature, but I think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance. Uh, Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces of evil…

Man, everybody got chicken, that's what happened. Hey, we can't even get into like, a second-rate hotel, I mean, a second-rate motel, you dig? They think we're gonna cut their throat or somethin'. They're scared, man.

Well, you know something, man, I think, you want to know what I think? I think this is a crackpot idea! That's what I think. How 'bout that? How 'bout a little of that? I think it's a crackpot idea! I mean, if they're so smart, why don't they just reveal themselves to us, huh, and get it over with?

Hey, man! We've done it! We've done it! We're rich, Wyatt. Yeah, man. Yeah. Say, we did it, man. We did it! We did it. We're rich, man! We're retirin' in Florida now, mister.

No, man, like hey, man. Wow. I was watching this object man, li-like the satellite that we saw the other night, right? And, like, it was going right across the sky, man, and then… I mean it just suddenly, uh, it just changed direction and went whizzin right off, man. It flashed…

Oh, yeah, man, like I'm stoned, you know, man. But, like, you know, I saw a satellite, man. And it was going across the sky and it flashed three times at me and zigzagged and whizzed off! Man, and I saw it!

Parading without a permit? You gotta be kidding! I mean, you know who this is, man? This is Captain America! I'm Billy! Hey, we're headliners, baby! We've played every fair in this part of the country, I mean, for top dollar, too!

I'm goin' down to Mardi Gras, I'm gonna git me a Mardi Gras Queen. Yeah, oh, man, wow, Mardi, that's gonna be the weirdest trip, you know. You know what we ought to do, man? First thing, man, go and get us a groovy dinner. Yeah, break out some of that cash, man.

Out here in the wilderness, fightin' Indians and Cowboys on every side. What's the matter? You zoned? What? You're really zoned, huh?

Hey, man, what are you doing? Come over here, I gotta talk to you man. Hey man, everything that we ever dreamed of is in that teardrop gas tank and you gotta stranger over there pourin' gasoline all over it. All he's got to do is turn and look over into it, man, and he can see that…

I'm getting a little smashed, man. A little smashed. It's hot in here, man. Chicks. Those chicks, man. Those chicks.

You know, this used to be a helluva good country. I can't understand what's gone wrong with it.

They're not scared of you. They're scared of what you represent to 'em.

Oh, no. What you represent to them is freedom.

Oh, yeah, that's right. That's what's it's all about, all right. But talkin' about it and bein' it, that's two different thangs. I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em.

No, it makes 'em dangerous. Buhhhh! Neh! Neh! Neh! Neh! Neh! Neh! Swamp!

They'll talk to ya and talk to ya and talk to ya about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em.

I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace.

I think I'll order kidneys, 'cause I left mine out there on the road somewhere.

That was a - UFO beamin' back at ya. Me and Eric Heisman was down in Mexico two weeks ago, we seen 40 of 'em flyin' in formation. They - they -they've got bases all over the world now, you know. They've been comin' here ever since 1946, when the scientists first started bouncin' radar beams off of the moon. And they have been livin' and workin' among us, in vast quantities, ever since. The government knows all about 'em.

Well, you just seen one of 'em, didn't ye?

Well, they are people just like us. From within our own solar system. Except that their society is more highly evolved. I mean, they don't have no wars, they got no monetary system, they don't have any leaders; because, I mean, each man is a leader. I mean, each man - because of their technology, they are able to feed, clothe, house, and transport themselves equally and with no effort.

Why don't they reveal themselves to us - is because if they did, it would cause a general panic. Now, I mean, we still have leaders upon whom we rely for the release of this information. These leaders - have decided to repress this information because of the tremendous shock that it would cause to our antiquated systems. Now, the result of this has been that the Venutians have contacted people at all walks of life, all walks of life -

Yes! It would be a devastin' blow to our antiquated systems. So, now Venutians are mating with people in all walks of life in an advisory capacity. For once, man will have a god-like control over his own destiny. He will have a chance to transcend and to evolve with some equality for all.

The governor of Louisiana gave me this. Madame Tinkertoy's House of Blue Lights, corner of Bourbon and Toulouse, New Orleans, Louisiana. Now, this is supposed to be the finest whorehouse in the south. These ain't no pork chops! These are U.S. PRIME!

I know, what did I do now? Oh, what am I gonna do now? Oh, my head. Alright, now, George, what are you gonna do now? I mean, you promised these people, now. You promised these people and you promised these people.

I guess I really tied one on last night. I must have had a helluva good time. I wish I could remember it.

They got this here, see, scissor-happy, beautify America thing going on around here. They're tryin' to make everybody look like Yul Brynner. They use rusty razor blades on the last two long hairs that they brought in here and I wasn't here to protect 'em. See, I'm a - I'm a law-er. Done a lot of work for the ACLU.