Peter Farrelly

Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters…

Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.

Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

Ah… no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

Why I did it? Ah… I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...

I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.

He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

See… that's great. That's what I want. A family and somebody to… you know… it must be wonderful having all this.

I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops - but hardly any meat.

You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.

You never win with violence. You only win when you maintain your dignity.

So if I'm not *black* enough and if I'm not *white* enough, and not *man* enough, then tell me, Tony, what am I?

Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've ever done.

Yes, I live in a castle, Tony! Alone. And rich white people pay me to play piano for them because it makes them feel cultured. But as soon as I step off that stage, I go right back to being just another nigger to them. Because that is their true culture. And I suffer that slight alone, because I'm not accepted by my own people 'cause I'm not like them, either. So, if I'm not black enough and if I'm not white enough and if I'm not man enough, then tell me, Tony, what am I?

What on God's green earth are you doing? Looks more like a piecemeal ransom note. May I? "Dear Dolores"... D-E-A-R. This is an animal. "I'm meeting all the highly leading citizens of the town. People that use big words, all of them. But you know me, I get by. I'm a good bullshitter." Two Ts in bullshitter. "As I'm writing this letter, I'm eating potato chips, and I'm starting to get thirsty. I washed my socks and dried them on the TV. I should have… brung… the iron…" You know this is pathetic, right?

Yes. It's a shame we don't have something to protect us on our journey. Oh, I know. Why don't you put your lucky rock up on the dash, Tony? Come on, Tony, we need all the help we can get.

The world's full of lonely people afraid to make the first move.

You know, my father used to say, whatever you do, do it 100%. When you work, work. When you laugh, laugh. When you eat, eat like it's your last meal.

It's amazing you said that. "How 'bout some quiet time?" Dolores, my wife, used to say that all the time... Well, not all the time but, y'know, she says it when, when I come home from work sometime, you know, she been with the kids all day and she'll say, "Tony? How 'bout some quiet time?" Exactly like how you said it! I mean, it's amazing...

It's like what your friend the President said, "Ask not... Your country, what you could do for it. Ask what you do for yourself." Y'know?

Trained? What are you, a seal? People love what you do! Anyone can sound like Beethoven or Joe Pan or them other guys you said. But your music, what you do? Only you can do that!

Of course I don't want you to miss a show, you ungrateful bastard! You think I'm doing this for my health? Tonight I saved your ass! So show a little appreciation, maybe! Besides, I told you never to go nowhere without me!

You're saying just 'cause I'm white and they're white? You know, that's a very prejudiced thing you just said there. A very prejudiced thing. I got more in common with the Hymies at 2nd Avenue Deli than I do with these hillbilly pricks down here.

Dear Dolores, how are you? I am fine. I'm eating real good. Hamburgers mostly. So don't worry about me not eating good. I saw Dr. Shirley play the piano tonight. He don't play like a colored guy. He plays like Liberace, but better. He's like a genius, I think. When I look at him in the rear-view mirror, I can tell he's always thinking about stuff in his head. I guess that's what geniuses do. But it don't look fun to be that smart. I miss you very, very much.

Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supposed to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

We got no food, we got no jobs… our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.

You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.

I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad.

There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin…

How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.

Hey! Don't you ever say that again! She is the love of my life! The blood in my veins! We belong together till the mountains fall into the sea, till the heavens collide! Or until I get sick of her and need to move on. You hear me?

Let me ask you something. Do you want to end up like Petey? Dead? In some flea-ridden apartment? Face down in your own droppings? A soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Come on, Harry! Don't you see what Petey was trying to say to you? You got to take life by the balls! Chew it up and spit it out! Dance to the tune of a different drummer! Spread your wings and fly and run and jump! God, help me!

You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder.

You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself!

I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!

She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!

Yeah yeah, that sounds nice. But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit? I mean, you know, who knows? You know, maybe, once you get to know her you'll find out that she's not your type.