Mel Brooks

And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK! Ugh! Man it's later than you think! Girl you got just one more chance/ Come on baby while I dance!

You don't think 'bout no little flowers! Oh no, all you think about is guns. If everybody in the world today had a flower instead of a gun, there would be no wars. There would be one big smell-in. Just the flowers...!

Hey, man, my flower… My flower. What'd you do to my flower, man? You hurt it, like everything else… Everything else… flowers.

One and one's two/ Two and two's four/ I feel so bad 'cause I'm losin' the war!

I would like to sing this song, it's about love, and hate. Psychedelically speaking I am talking about the power.

Love Power! Talkin' 'bout Love Power! The Power of a Sweet Flower… is gonna rule the Earth!

And there'll be a Great Rebirth! Love is the Power that is mine...

Cool it, while I map out my campaign.

I'm gonna crash Poland, And I'm gonna take over France, Ba-willy-gow, Ba-Ba-do-the-this, Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! I'm gonna take over Poland, And then I'm gonna crush France, Oh baby, whatcha know, Mama, And I'm gonna cross that English Channel, Wow! And then I'm gonna kick them cats in the pants, Pow! Pow! Pow!

How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

A flop! That's putting it mildly. We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage! A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty. This is freedom from want forever. This is a house in the country. This is a Rolls Royce and a Bentley. This is wine, women, and song… and women.

You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!

Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!

This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!

And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson. And we'll never do it again.

That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we close on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to Rio!

Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.

There it is, Bloom. The most exciting city in the world. Thrills, adventure, romance. Everything you ever dreamed of is down there. Big black limousines. Gold cigarette cases. Elegant ladies with long legs. All you need is money, Bloom. Money is honey! Money is honey!

I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now: Voila, hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery.

I assume you're making those cartoon noises to attract my attention. Am I correct in my assumption, you fish-faced enemy of the people?

I assume you are making those cartoon noises because you want to attract my attention. What is it, you fish-faced enemy of the people?

It's gorgeous! It's gorgeous! You couldn't have picked a better color! It brings out your eyes! Let's face it, Roger, that dress is you!

You miserable, cowardly, wretched, little caterpillar. Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?

You see my dear Bloom, phase one is complete -- the play is ours. We are now entering phase two -- the raising of the money. In the days to come, you will see very little of me, for Max Bialystock is launching himself into little-old-lady-land. Adieu.

Avanti!

I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want… I want…

I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.

Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.

Well, let's see. If we add these, we get ten, four... Hmm... Amazing. It's absolutely amazing. That under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit. Hmm... Yes, it's quite possible! If he were certain that the show would fail, a man could make a fortune!

According to the backers list, you raised $60,000, but the play that you produced only cost $58,000. That's $2,000 unaccounted for.

But your honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, Whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I mean... This man... No one had ever called me Leo before. I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before- I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... This is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did.

What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons.

Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around… and there I was, face to face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle… and I've been there ever since.