Jason Reitman

Sometimes it feels like, no matter how much success I have, it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy. I could have made it work, he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4 runner and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab. And a nice smile. What about you?

You have a set a way of life that basically makes it impossible for you to have any kind of human connection and now this woman comes along and somehow runs the gauntlet of your ridiculous life choice comes out on the other end smiling, just so you can call her "casual"? I need to grow up? You're a twelve year old

Someone sits down at a conference room somewhere and our server routes their session to one of our termination engineers

If there's one word I want to leave you with is ""glocal" our global must become our local. This company keeps twenty three people on the road at least two hundred fifty days a year, its expensive and it's inefficient, when I came to Craig three months ago with this, he told me and quite astutely " it's only a problem if you have a solution", today I stand before you with just that, you all know Ned in reception, today I'm going to "fire" Ned, now Ned could be any employee at anyone of our client's locations worldwide. Strategy packets will be shipped in advance and they'll be given a seat where one of our transitional specialists will be waiting for them.

You're going to take the packet in front of you review it, all the answers you're looking for are inside. Start filling out the necessary information and before you know it and before you know it you'll be on your way to new opportunities. I need you to go back to your desk and putting together your things. As a favor to me I'd appreciate it if you don't spread the news just yet panic doesn't help anyone

You can start the morning in Boston stop in Dallas over lunch and finish the day in San Francisco all for the price of a T-1 line. Our inflated travel budget increased by eighty five percent, more importantly to you guys on the road, no more Christmases in a hotel in Tulsa no more hours lost to weather delays you get to come home.

How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack. I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. Feel 'em? Now I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life. You start with the little things. The things on shelves and in drawers, the knick-knacks, the collectibles. Feel the weight as that adds up. Then you start adding larger stuff, clothes, table-top appliances, lamps, linens, your TV. The backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. And you go bigger. Your couch, bed, your kitchen table. Stuff it all in there. Your car, get it in there. Your home, whether it's a studio apartment or a two bedroom house. I want you to stuff it all into that backpack. Now try to walk. It's kind of hard, isn't it? This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis. We weigh ourselves down until we can't even move. And make no mistake, moving is living. Now, I'm gonna set that backpack on fire. What do you want to take out of it? What do you want to take out of it? Photos? Photos are for people who can't remember. Drink some ginkgo and let the photos burn. In fact, let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing. It's kind of exhilarating, isn't it? Now, this is gonna be a little difficult, so stay with me. You have a new backpack. Only this time, I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office, and then you move into the people that you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles, your brothers, your sisters, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend or your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack. And don't worry. I'm not gonna ask you to light it on fire. Feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake - your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. Do you feel the straps cutting into your shoulders? All those negotiations and arguments, and secrets and compromises. You don't need to carry all that weight. Why don't you set that bag down? Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime - star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals. The slower we move, the faster we die. We are not swans. We're sharks.

Your resume says you minored in French Culinary Arts. Most students work the frier at KFC. You bussed tables at Il Picatorre to support yourself. Then you got out of college and started working here. How much did they pay you to give up on your dreams?

Excellent question. Who the fuck am I? Poor Steve has worked here for seven years. He's never had a meeting with me before, or passed me in the hall, or told me a story in the break room. And that's because I don't work here. I work for another company that lends me out to pussies like Steve's boss, who don't have the balls to sack their own employees, and in some cases, for good reason. Because people do crazy shit when they get fired.

To whom it may concern: I can't begin to count the number of people I've fired in my lifetime. So many that I've forgotten what it's like to actually hire someone. We've never met, but I know you'd be lucky to have Natalie Keener. My advice? Take her and don't look back. She'll be the best decision you've made in a long time.

Starting when I was 12, we moved each one of my grandparents into a nursing facility. My parents went the same way. Make no mistake, we all die alone. Now those cult members in San Diego, with the sneakers and the Kool-Aid, they didn't die alone. I'm just saying there are options.

To know me, is to fly with me the airport is where I temporary live. When I run my card the system automatically prompts the desk clerk to greet me with this exact statement "pleasure to see you again" it's these kinds of systematized friendly touches that keeps my world in orbit every once and a while I do speaking engagement motivational kind of stuff but Gold Quest? We're talking Major Tony Robbins shit

So we came up with this master plan which was for me to put gauze to bandage up my hands and when we gotten up to the plane, Trans-Atlantic flying to Zürich we walked up, waited until it was dark walked up to the bath room with her and they were watching a movie opened up went inside she opened the door for me came in and she was going to help me we gave it our best shot, it wasn't great but it was fun and tricky