Elmore Leonard

Rough business, this movie business. I'm gonna have to go back to loan-sharking just to take a rest.

Now I've been shot at three times before. Twice on purpose and once by accident. And I'm still here. And I'm gonna be here for as long as I want to be.

Look at me. What I'm thinking is, 'You're mine. I fuckin' own you.' But what I'm not doing is feeling anything about it one way or the other. You understand? You're not a person to me, you're a name in my collection book, a guy owes me money, that's all.

That was "Rio Bravo." Robert Mitchum played the drunk in "El Dorado." Dean Martin played the drunk in "Rio Bravo." Basically, it was the same part. Now John Wayne, he did the same in both. He played John Wayne.

Harry, look at me. You're trying to tell me you fucked up without sounding stupid, and that's hard to do.

Well, that's the difference between you and me, Harry. I say what I mean. I want Martin Weir? I go out and get Martin Weir. I don't fuck around with this bullshit with the trainer's shrink.

You know, Welles didn't even want to do this movie. But he had some studio contract he couldn't get out of. Sometimes you do your best work when you got a gun to your head.

Well, I could see myself in the parts that Robert De Niro plays. Or maybe even, an Al Pacino movie, you know, playing a real hard-on. But I couldn't see myself in those movies where three grown-up guys get left with a baby, and so they act like three grown-up assholes, acting all cute...

Bear, look at me. You tell your boss I don't ever want to see him again. And that means he's got to be nowhere near me, Karen, or Harry. You understand?

Okay, get up. What are you hanging around that guy for, anyway? I mean, you were in the movies, right? You were a stuntman. What's he ever done that he can talk about? You okay?

Leo, sit down. I don't know how you got this far, you're so fucking dumb. But you're through now, and let me explain why. Ray Bones is the man that you're dealing with now, and when Bones finds out what you did, he's gonna take everything, including the sporty little hat you got on your head. And then most likely he'll shoot you, so you won't tell on him. Now, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna hurt you. Now you got three hundred and ten thousand in the bag here. I'm gonna take the three hundred thousand that you scammed from the airline, and then the ten that's left over, I'm gonna borrow from you and pay back at another time.

At eighteen percent. Now don't ask another fucking question, I'm leaving.

Yeah, but I was never into it and especially that bullshit about having respect. Forget about it, it's bad enough treating these guys like their your heroes, you know, smiling those stupid comments, they think are so funny.

Well do you see a black leather jacket, fingertip length like the one Pacino wore in "Serpico"? 'Cause if you don't you owe me three hundred and seventy nine dollars.

You can't make a Martin Weir into a Mel Gibson. Where do you want to go? You want to go to Dan Tana's?

Look, I didn't come down to sunny Florida to freeze my ass. You follow me? You get the coat back or you give me the three seventy-nine dollars my ex-wife paid for it at Alexander's.

It's about a dry cleaner who owes a shylock fifteen thousand dollars and his three weeks over on the vig, the dry cleaner, let's call him "Leo" his scared and doesn't know any better so he leaves town and gets on a plane but the plane sits there and doesn't move so they announce over the PA system that there's some kind of mechanical problem and be delayed for an hour but they tell all the passengers to remain in their seats in case they can get it fixed sooner so the guy's nervous and in no shape to sit there and sweat it out so he gets off the plane and goes into the cocktail lounge and starts drinking one drink after another and he's still in the lounge when the plane crashes during takeoff, he couldn't believe his luck because if he stayed on the plane he'd be dead , now that everyone thinks his dead he wouldn't have to pay back the fifteen thousand dollars or what he owes on the vig, since Leo's name was on the passenger's list they bring his wife out to the airport where they're going through personal effects whatever wasn't burned up they tell the wife to look for only things she would know about, she returns home and the people from the airline come out to see her and they tell her how sorry they are and how their plane exploded they offer a settlement: an amount he would've earned if he operated the dry cleaners for the rest of his life

I don't know how you got this far, your so fucking dumb but your through and I'm going to explain why and I hope you're not so dumb you won't understand, Ray Bones is the man your dealing with now when Bones finds out what you did his going to take everything including the sporty little hat you got on your head and most likely he'll shoot you so you won't tell on him but I'm not going to do that I'm not going to hurt you now you got three hundred and ten thousand in the bag I'm going to take the three hundred grand you scammed from the airlines and the ten that's left over I'm going to borrow from you and pay back at another time

Here we go. AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.

My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass.

You can't trust Melanie. But, you can always trust Melanie to be Melanie.

What the fuck happened to you, man? Shit, your ass used to be beautiful!

He put himself in a position where he was going to have to do ten years in prison, that's what he did. And if you know Beaumont, you know ain't no god damn way he can do ten years. And if you know that, then you know Beaumont's gonna do anything Beaumont can to keep from doing them ten years, including telling the federal government any and every motherfucking thing about my black ass. Now that, my friend, is a clear cut case of him or me. And you best believe it ain't gonna be me.

Well I got a problem with spendin' ten thousand dollars on ungrateful, peanut-head niggers to get 'em out of jail, but I did it! And how small was that jail cell, motherfucker?

You know, she's just one of the bitches I got set up. I got Mel over in Hermosa Beach and I rent this little place for Simone over in Compton where you stayin', and about four blocks away I got this young 19-year-old country girl named Sheronda. I found her on the bus stop two days out of Georgia - barefoot, country as a chicken coop. I took her to my place in Compton, told her it was Hollywood.

Hell, yeah. To her dumb country ass, Compton is Hollywood. Closest she's ever been, anyway.

My money's in that office, right? If she start giving me some bullshit about it ain't there, and we got to go someplace else and get it, I'm gonna shoot you in the head then and there. Then I'm gonna shoot that bitch in the kneecaps, find out where my goddamn money is. She gonna tell me too. Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you, motherfucker. You listen: we go in there, and that nigga Winston or anybody else is in there, you the first motherfucker to get shot. You understand?

Now that there is the TEC-9, a little cheap ass spray gun made out of South Miami. They retail for 380, I get 'em for 2, sell 'em for 8. They advertised this TEC-9 as the most popular gun in American crime. Can you believe that shit? It actually says that in the little booklet that comes with it: the most popular gun in American crime. Like they proud of that shit.

Jackie can tell me any story that comes into her pretty little head, just so long as at the end of that story she hands me my motherfucking money.

Now, the thing is, I ain't never done business with these Koreans before. Now I ain't worried, because, by and large, Asians are very dependable, they don't want no trouble. You might argue with them about price and shit, but you don't need to worry about them shooting you in the back, you know what I'm saying?

Well, I'm gonna sell the other two tonight. There's this group of Koreans over in Koreatown, starting' this neighborhood watch thing. They need some weapons so they can show the neighborhood niggers they mean business. Now, I'm gonna sell them the other two machine guns, all right? The problem is, I ain't never done business with these Koreans before. Now I ain't worried, 'cause by and large Asians are very dependable, they don't want no trouble. You might argue with them about price and shit, but you ain't gotta worry about them shooting you in the back, you know what I'm saying? But I got me a rule: Never do business with people you ain't never done business with before without backup. And that's why I need you: backup.

I told you, man. She's my fine little surfer gal. You know, she ain't pretty as she used to be and she bitch a whole lot more than she used to; but, she white.

Goddamn. In all the time I've known her, I ain't never heard her scared like that. Usually, she too cool for school.

Definitely know a lot about that! Look here Louis, I got to run out for a little while so uh, if you like gettin high so much, why don't you hang out here with Mel' n' watch a little TV.

See I get high later on when I come back, see I get high at NIGHT, when I get through with all my business.

You seen Max Cherry in the dress department where we… Man look at me when I'm talking to you! You see that muthafucka in the dress department when we bout to get a half million dollars and you don't think nothin' 'bout him being there?

Come on, man, you know how they do. Black man shows up with ten thousand in cash, the first thing they want to know is where I got it. Then they're gonna want to keep a big chunk of it, start talking that court cost shit. Fuck that noise, Jack. I go through you.

Fellow named Beaumont. He got arrested for drunk driving, they wrote it up as possession of a concealed weapon. Dumb monkey-ass had a pistol on him.

Man, they fuckin' with her. They callin' that shit 'possession with intent.'. A 44-year-old black woman caught with less than two ounces, they callin' that shit 'intent'. The same thing happen to a movie star, they call it 'possession'.

Man, you put this bad boy on a flick, every motherfucker out there will want one. I'm serious as a heart attack. When them Hong Kong flicks came out, every nigger in the world had to have a 45. And they didn't want one, they want two. 'Cause all them niggers want to be the killer!

Look here, look here, look here. I tell you what - when we get through fuckin' with these Koreans, me and you go to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on me. Think about it now. That 'Scoe's Special, smothered in gravy and onions, side of red beans and rice, some greens. That's some good eatin'.

Oh, you know what? I'm real sorry about that, man, but I had to be somewhere all of a sudden. I figured, well, shit, Louis ain't had no pussy for a while; so, I thought, let him kick it here with Mel.

See what I'm talkin' about? Now that was about a man in New York, wants a 9 millimeter Smith & Wesson model 59-46. And why does he want it? 'Cause its the same gun that nigger in 'New York Undercover' uses. 'Cause of that nigger, I'm gonna make 12-50 off of this nigger.

Let me tell you how we're going to retaliate. All right? Tomorrow, I'm gonna pick you up, take you over to Century City, introduce you to my lawyer. And let me tell you something about my lawyer. This brother's name is Stacin Goins and this nigger is a junkyard dog. He my own personal Johnny Cochran. Matter of fact, he kicked Johnny Cochran's ass. And like Johnny Cochran, this nigger hate cops. I'm serious, man, he live to fuck wit de police. Now, as a favor, I had him look at your case and he say you ain't got shit to worry about. They're just fuckin' wit' chu. So we're gonna sick the junkyard dog on their ass and make 'em stop fuckin' wit' chu.

Now that you got 'em watchin' my ass, I'm gonna be in a titty bar downtown waitin' on Louis to call me and tell me everything's cool.