David Sheffield

Good morning, my neighbors!

Yes! Yes! Fuck you too!

Sir, did you happen to catch the professional football contest on television last night?

Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory.

But, father, what if I do not love her?

It would be wise for you to put the weapon down.

Please refrain from using any further obscenities in the presence of these people.

I'm warning you. I will be forced to thrash you.

I am not interested in Patrice.

I am not interested in Darryl either.

I am Akeem.

I have recently been placed in charge of garbage. Do you have any that requires disposal?

When it fills up, call me. I will take it out most urgently.

When you think of garbage, think of Akeem!

Of course. If you like, we can give it all up now.

I will not leave without Lisa.

Mother, I love her.

Oha, it is my twenty-first birthday. Do you think perhaps just once I might use the bathroom by myself?

To find something special.

No journey is too great when one finds what he seeks.

But when I marry, I want the woman to love me for who I am, not because of what I am.

I am a man who has never tied his own shoes before!

I am not sure if I am ready.

I want a woman that's going to arouse my intellect as well as my loins!

In America!

What does dumb fuck mean?

Is it just me, or does every woman in Queens have a severe emotional problem?

Just for once, I would like to cook for myself and take care of myself, dress myself, wipe my own backside.

Yes, I know this. But I would like to know about you. What do you like to do?

What kind of music do you like?

Look, I know what I like. And I know that you know what I like because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know what you like. For instance, do you have a favourite food?

Good! What is your favourite food?

This is impossible. Listen, from this moment on, I command you not to obey me!

Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?

So, you would share your bed, and your fortune, with a beautiful fool?

But how can a man get excited about a woman he's never seen?

But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend.

Only dogs are to obey.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk." One cannot fly into flying. That is not mine. That is Nietzsche's.

Does your apartment look poor?

Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?

Fascinating! Semmi, look at this! America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, one can throw glass on the streets!

I have a date with Lisa! Isn't that wonderful?

I wanted you to love me for who I am.

...Yes. Where I'm from, we have to be very aggressive.

Well, father, first of all it is things like this.

The rose petals.

Ah, but mother, if there were no rose petals I would still be the son of a king.

If you truly love your wife, you will value her opinion.

You must be outta your God-damned mind! Joe Louis the greatest boxer who ever lived. I'll be with you boys in a minute. He was badder than Cassius Clay, he was better than Sugar Ray, he was badder than - who's that new boy? Mike Tyson! Look like a bull dog! He was badder than him too! He'd whip Mike Tyson's ass, he'd whip all their asses!

Oh, there they go! There they go! Every time I start talking about boxing, a white man gotta pull Rocky Marciano outta their ass! That's they one! That's they one! Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano! Lemme tell you something once and for all! Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit!

Joe Louis was seventy-five years old when he fought!

Joe Louis had come out of retirement to fight Rocky Marciano! The man was seventy-six years old! Joe Louis always lied about his age! He lied about his age all the time! One time, Frank Sinatra came in here, and sat in this chair. I say, "Frank, you hang out with Joe Louis. Just between me and you, how old is Joe Louis?" Know what Frank told me? He said "Hey, Joe Louis is a hundred thirty-seven years old." A hundred and thirty-seven years old!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! AND FUCK YOU! Who's next?

I met Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. one time.

You know, Sweets, I met Dr. Martin Luther King once.

Yeah, I met Dr. Martin Luther King in 1962 in Memphis, Tennessee. I walkin' down the street minding my own business, just walking on. Feelin' good. I walk around the corner, a man walk up, hit me in my chest, right. I fall on the ground, right. And I look up and it's Dr. Martin Luther King. I said 'Dr. King?' and he said 'Ooops, I thought you were some body else.'

Knocked the wind out of me, yes he did.

Yes, he did.

Oh there they go. There they go, every time I start talkin 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano. Rocky Marciano. Let me tell you something once and for all. Rocky Marciano was good, but compared to Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano ain't shit.

Heyyy, it's the boys from Africa, how y'all doin this evenin'?

You gotta get out and look, they ain't just gonna fall on your lap.

Well, that's where you messed up, son, you can't go to no bar to find a nice woman. You gotta go to a nice place, a quiet place like a library, there's good women there and 'erm, church, they're good girls.

Aw, come on, man! What about Joe Louis?

I ain't saying Clay ain't bad. I'm just saying I stopped liking Cassius Clay once he changed his name to Moh-hammad Ali! What kinda shit is that?

Mmm-hmm! That's right!

Ha-ha-ha! That's right! That's right! He gonna always be Clay to me. I don't give a fuck what he change his name to. He is Clay! He Clay to me. I say Clay.

Oh, man, what do you want your hair to look like that for? Why, I like the way you wear your hair. You wear it natural. That's good, man. You know, I wish more of the young children today would wear their hair natual like Dr. Martin Luther King did. That's right. You ain't never seen Dr. Martin Luther King with no messy jeri curl on this head. Ain't that right?