Amanda Brown

I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.

I object!

I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.

Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.

Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.

Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?

Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.

For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.

But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.

You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe...

I have a point, I promise.

Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?

Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?

And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?

You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.

Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head.

… and that's why you should vote for me. Elle Woods: future lawyer for the class of 2004.

Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.

Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?

Well this is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.

Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.

And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.

She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.

Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?

It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.

Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.

She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?

The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.

It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin… to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".

Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.

All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.

Oh! And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think? Okay, well, see you next class!

Oh, Warner? Do you remember those four amazing hours we spent in the hot tub after Winter Formal?

This is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do!