Sally Albright

I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.

On the ride to New York.

I don't have to take this crap from you.

I see people.

What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I'm over Joe? Because I fuck somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something.

When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."

Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.

Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.

I'd like the chef's salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode.

But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream but only if it's real. If it's out of a can, then nothing.

No, just the pie, but then not heated.

You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.

I am not your consolation prize, Harry.

Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.

You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3:00 in the morning and go clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace, not that I would know this.

All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married. But the truth is he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?

Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.

Well, maybe it just means that… we should remember that we forgot them, or something. Anyway, it's about old friends.