Nick Bennett

What's the first thing you do when you step onto a plane? Maybe you have a sip of that fine champagne? You do fly in first class, right?

Well, when I board a plane, making my way back to the cheap seats, I clock every door. I pace off the distance between those exits and my seat. That plane loses power on takeoff, I can make egress in the dark, totally blind. If the aisle crowds up, I'm going to climb over the back on 36D, guy with that shiny-ass toupee, make the over the wing exit. And I know the handle swings down not up. And I know the door swings in not out. And I know all that inside of 30 seconds, before they even pop the cork for you up there in Hollywood class. See, if you wait till the emergency happens before you decide what to do, you're already dead.

Officially, I'm only allowed to say that I've been a sworn officer participating in a phase of certain missions that would make most men want to crawl up and hide inside their own assholes.

I'm a goddamn American Jedi. Possible title number one, by the way.

Hey, see this? Took a frag from a Bouncing Betty. It's an antipersonnel mine. Caved in the back of my fucking head. Medevaced out to Germany. Got my skull rebuilt with space-age titanium. Can't go through a metal detector without ringing cherries, but that's cool. Let's me travel with Gilligan just about wherever I want.

My little buddy

Here's the kicker, though. When I took that shrapnel, I never felt it. I mean, I felt the impact and I felt my backside go all wet, but no real pain. Now, maybe I don't recall the events in full. They did scoop out a little gray Spam back there, but get this. My wolf pack? They will swear that I was ambulatory for more than 17 minutes before they forced me to lie down. Tackled me. Even then I was looking to monkey-fuck a Marlboro Light. There's no nerve endings in the brain Cliff. Remember that when you write the scene.

Keep shaking that bush Luke, so we know where you are… keep shakin' that bush!

Those boys are comin' in heavy, you might want to hang back and let 'em do their thing.