Leo Bloom

I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want… I want…

I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!

I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.

Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.

Well, let's see. If we add these, we get ten, four... Hmm... Amazing. It's absolutely amazing. That under the right circumstances, a Producer could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit. Hmm... Yes, it's quite possible! If he were certain that the show would fail, a man could make a fortune!

According to the backers list, you raised $60,000, but the play that you produced only cost $58,000. That's $2,000 unaccounted for.

But your honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, Whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I mean... This man... No one had ever called me Leo before. I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before- I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... This is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did.