Eugene Morris Jerome

I bought a quarter pound of butter this morning. Why don't you buy a half pound at a time?

If my mom taught logic in high school, this would be some weird country.

Just draw me a picture, I brought a pencil. You want crayons? Maybe you should do it in color.

That dirty little pig! He's watching Nora getting undressed... I wonder if he'd let me come over.

It was a tense moment for everybody. I love tense moments. Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about.

What if they took a shower together - Aunt Blanche and Nora? If I could walk in and see that I'd thank God and become a rabbi.

I'll never make it with the Yankees. All the great Yankees are Italian. My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup - what chance do I have?

I have seen the Golden Palace of the Himalayas. Puberty is over! Onward and upward!

Liver and cabbage - the Jewish mediaeval torture! My friend Marty Gregori, an A student in Science, told me that cooked cabbage can be smelled farther than sound travelling for seven minutes.

The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife… which is more than I can say for the liver.

I wanted to cut my wrists but the liver had worn down the knives.

She saw me on the crapper! Nora saw me on the crapper! I might as well be dead!

Tell him I'm busy… ice cream? Wait a minute, I'll be right there.

Guess who's gonna get blamed for the war in Europe!