Dave

Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt.

Say you have an ax - just a cheap one from Home Depot.

On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man's already dead. Maybe you should worry, 'cause you're the one who shot him. He'd been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. And you're chopping off his head because even with eight bullets in him, you're pretty sure he's about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.

You're gonna die, Arnie. Someday you will face that moment. And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence, or you will face something even stranger. On an actual day in the future, Arnie, you will be in the unimaginable. It is physically impossible to avoid it.

Uh, Shelly. John and I are having a bit of a problem here. We're both seeing completely different versions of you. Now, John here has eyesight problems 'cause of his constant masturbation, but I- I don't think…

My name is David Wong. I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back, and go slapping across my kitchen floor. But that's another story.

And then, calm. Almost Zen. That's what came next, that Soy Sauce feeling. I wanted to run, to duck, to act. But the body is a slow wet mechanism of muscle and bone that crept, even as my mind flew. And so just like that, I stepped outside of it.

I was adopted. I never knew my real dad. You could be my dad for all I know. Are you my dad?

I'll try to explain this without cursing, but the black shit from Planet X that came out from that motherfucker looked like it had grown hair! Did I mention that the stuff was moving? Twitching?

Last night you had a dream, Arnie. You dreamt you were being chased through the forest by your mother. She was lashing you with a whip made of knotted penises.

That's right, Arnie: everything you know is wrong.