Daniel

Option One: ask her out.

Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.

Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.

And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...

So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe… school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?

Tell her that you love her.

Even better! Sam, you've got nothin' to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't! I never told your mom enough. I should have told her everyday because she was perfect everyday. You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til its over.

I think it's brilliant! I think it's stellar! Uh, apart from the one, obvious, tiny, little baby little hiccup...

You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's unique and extraordinary, but… the general wisdom is that, in the end, there isn't just one person for each of us.

So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it's someone at school, right?

Aha, good, good. And what does she - he - feel about ya?

Good. Good.

Basically, you're fucked, aren't you?

Jo and I had uh, a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her, uh, requests - for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral - I was confident she expected me to ignore.

Thank the Lord! Tell me.

That's right. Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!

And her name's Joanna?

Well, in one way then, we're in luck. At least we still have the god-like genius of Scott Walker.

She's going to say her final words, not through me, but inevitably, and ever so coolly… through the immortal genius of the Bay City Rollers.

No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel.

No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room. Including yours.

When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine… "

You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til it's over.

We need Kate, and we need Leo. And we need them now. Come on.

I'm afraid that there's somethin' really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.

Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.