Ben Hood

We were golfing. You know, golfing, to me, is something I'm supposed to enjoy. And I was on the goddamn golf team in college, so it's something one would assume I'd do well. I used to do well. But basically, these days, golfing for me is like hoeing… or plowing. It's like farming. And George Clair has obviously, in the mere two years since he's been with the firm, he's obviously been taking secret lessons with a golf pro. And I bet the entirety of his disposable income has been dedicated to humiliating me on the golf course. That guy talks nonstop throughout the entirety of the misery of the miserable 18 holes…

You have a point there. That's a very good point. We're having an affair. Right. An explicitly sexual relationship. Your needs, my needs. You're absolutely right.

The only big fight we've had in years is about whether to go back into couples therapy.

Well, that's the whole point of the holidays, Paul. So you and your sister can mope around the house, and your mother and I can wait on your hand and foot, while the two of you occasionally grunt for more food from behind the hair in your faces. Believe it or not, we actually enjoy it.

On the self-abuse front - and this is important - I don't think it's advisable to do it in the shower. It wastes water and electricity and because we all expect you to be doing it there in any case. And, not on... under the linen... Well... Anyway, if you're worried about anything at all, just feel free to ask and we'll look it up.

What do I think? I think you're probably... touching each other. I think... You're touching that reckless jerk-off for God's sake, and I think he's trying to get into your slacks! I think at 14 years of age, you're getting ready to give up you're girlhood!

Hey, don't you direct a single word at me, Mikey. I don't wanna hear it. I'll be discussing this matter with your parents very soon. Young lady.

You know, I think Elena might suspect something. Maybe, it's all for the better, you know?

Yesterday at dinner, she - Well, she didn't say anything. Has she acted funny to you? Have you noticed anything?

Yeah, but... I've been working a lot lately and - No, that's not it. I... I guess maybe we're just on the verge of... saying something. Saying something to each other. On the verge.

Well, it's great that we can all be together. And this Thanksgiving, no yelling, no hysteria, especially with your grandpa not here, although we miss him.

If I were a fascist, I would have sent you to one of those southern military academies a long time ago. Now, get to bed.