Aileen

"Love conquers all." "Every cloud has a silver lining." "Faith can move mountains." "Love will always find a way." "Everything happens for a reason." "Where there is life, there is hope.

I always wanted to be in the movies.

When I was little I thought for sure that one day, I could be a big, big star. Or maybe just beautiful… beautiful and rich, like the women on TV. Yeah, I had a lot of dreams. And I guess you can call me a real romantic, because I truly believe that one day, they'll come true. So I dreamed about it for hours. As the years went by, I learnt to stop sharing them with people. They said I was dreaming. But back then, I believed it whole heartily.

So whenever I was down, I would just escape into my mind... to my other life, where I was someone else. It made me happy to think that all these people just didn't know yet who I was gonna be. But one day they'll all see.

People always look down their noses at hookers. Never give you a chance, because they think you took the easy way out, when no one could imagine the willpower it took to do what we do. Walking the streets, night after night, taking the hits and still getting back up.

SAYS WHO? I'm good with the Lord. I'm fine with him. And I know how you were raised, alright? And I know how people fuckin' think out there, and fuck, it's gotta be that way. They've gotta tell you that 'Thou shall not kill' shit and all of that. But that's not the way the world works, Selby. Cuz I'm out there every fuckin' day living it. Who the fuck knows what God wants? People kill each other every day and for what? Hm? For politics, for religion, and THEY'RE HEROES! No, no... there's a lot of shit I can't do anymore, but killing's not one of them. And letting those fucking bastards go out and rape someone else isn't either!

In my life, it has always been the harmless stuff that hurt the most. When there're things so horribly, you can't even imagine it. It's usually a lot easier than you think. You never really know, until you're the one standing there.

I loved her. And the thing no one ever realized about me or believed was that I could learn. I could train myself into anything. People always look down their noses at hookers. Never give you a chance cause they think you took the easy way out. When no one could imagine the will power it took to do what we do, walking the streets night after night. Taking the hits and still getting back up. But I did and they'd all miss out. Cause they had no idea what I could discipline myself too and I believed in something - and I believed in her.

Fuckin' office job! Who the fuck wants a job like that? You fuckin' sit at a little desk, you got your little phone, you got your little fuckin' piece of paper, your little pen, you write shit down, blah blah blah. Fuck, a monkey could do that shit man!

So, I was gonna do it, and the only reason I didn't was a 5 dollar bill, I knew I'd probably given some asshole a blowjob for it, so, it really started to piss me off that if I killed myself without spending it, well then I basically sucked him up for free!

Life is funny... it's hard. But it's also strange, how things can be so different than you think. I remember I was just a kid in before age club. Set up this beautiful gigantic red and yellow ferris wheel. It lit up to nite sky. They called it. the Monster