Zombieland Monologues

A shy student trying to reach his family in Ohio, a gun-toting bruiser in search of the last Twinkie and a pair of sisters striving to get to an amusement park join forces in a trek across a zombie-filled America.

Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland.

The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons… were the fatties.

You see? You just can't trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be fucked with".

You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like, developed in a secret fucking government lab.

Tallahassee firmly believes that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... or else you'll lose what's left of your mind. Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, then I say "Hey, go ape shit".

The plague of the 21st Century, remember mad cow disease? Well mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. It's a fast acting virus that leaves you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, makes you hateful and violent and leaves you with a really bad case of the munchies.

I'm living the dream.I had always, my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.

In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really dead, dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda... coulda... shoulda.

A zombie isn't a dead person who's just come back to life. It's someone who's been infected with the plague of the 21st century... Zombiism's carried in bodily fluids, and these fluids are highly contagious and fast acting when they mix with your fluids. So, if you're thinking of going tongue-to-tonsil with your suddenly less cute neighbor...try something a little more innocent... Mom and Dad would have to wait...

You tell yourself over and over, this did not just happen… It did not… It did not… it did not… It couldn't have… it… it couldn't have… But it did… In the name of every sane thing that came before it… and all that I have come to know, and expect about the world… it did…

So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.