While You Were Sleeping Monologues

A hopelessly romantic Chicago Transit Authority token collector is mistaken for the fiancée of a coma patient.

It was a lot different from hugging. Hugging's very different. Hugging that involves arms and hands; and leaning is whole bodies moving in like this. Leaning involves *wanting*... and *accepting*. *Leaning*...

Remember in, like, fifth or sixth grade, I was starting to get really good at poker and going home with lots of lunch money? I got to know the principal's office really well. He always used to say to me, "How come you can't be more like your brother Peter?" Well, you know what? I was all right with that. I had no problems with that, because I was proud of you and I was never envious of anything that you had.

Until now. I'll cut the deck. High card gets Lucy.

All right, we'll go best out of three.

Well, I don't have any flowers, I wouldn't mind seeing the black underwear, but under the circumstances, I don't think we should move in together.

I'd say that she gets under your skin as soon as you meet her. She drives you so nuts you don't know whether to hug her or, or just really arm wrestle her. She would go all the way to Europe just to get a stamp in her passport. I don't know if that amounts to insanity, or just being really, really... likable.

Hey, what do you know about my family? Spending a week with them does *not* make you an expert!

Yeah, well, I know that keeping your family happy gets complicated. Would your father be happy knowing you're sitting in a token booth, planning vacations that you aren't taking?

Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah, I betcha don't, you're probably too sensible for that. Or have you ever, like, seen somebody, and you knew that, if only that person *really* knew you, they would, well, they would of course dump the perfect model that they were with, and realize that *you* were the one that they wanted to, just, grow old with? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to? Have you ever been so alone you spend the night confusing a man in a coma?

If you fit into my pants I will kill myself.

So I had planned to marry Peter, but… I married Jack instead. Thank goodness my father was right. Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan. But Jack… Jack gave me the perfect gift: a stamp in my passport. He took me to Florence for our honeymoon. I guess you might say he gave me the world. Peter once asked me when it was that I fell in love with Jack. And I told him, "It was while you were sleeping."

Oh! I don't want any flowers from you, I am not wearing black underwear, and I definitely do not want to move in with you, Jo... Jack.

$45 for a Christmas tree and they don't deliver? You order $10 worth of chow mein from Mr. Wong they bring it to your door.

I have a house, and family, and things like that... not like I'm complaining or anything, because I have a cat, I have an apartment, sole possession of the remote control. That's very important. It's just, I never met anyone I could laugh with.

Okay, there are two things that I remember about my childhood - I just don't remember it being this orange. First, I remember being with my Dad. He would get these far off looks in his eye, and he would say, "Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan." I just wish I'd realized at the time he was talking about *my* life. But, that never stopped us from taking our adventures together. He would pack up our sometimes working car, and he would tell me *amazing* stories about strange and exotic lands as we headed off to exciting destinations like... Milwaukee. It's amazing how exotic Wisconsin... isn't. But my favorite memories were the stories that he would tell me about my Mom. He would take me to the church where they got married, and I'd *beg* him to tell me more about the ceremony and about my crazy Uncle Irwin who fell asleep in the macaroni and cheese, and I asked my Dad when he knew that he truly loved my Mom. And he said to me, "Lucy, your mother gave me a special gift: she gave me the world." Actually, it was a globe with a light in it, but for the romantic that he was, it might as well have been the world.

My mom died when I was really little and a couple of years ago my dad got sick so we moved from Indiana so he could go to research hospital.

Yeah, I had to quit school and I started working for the CTA and about a year ago he decided he had had enough research and he passed away.

Yes, Jerry, I'm insane. Every day I go and I sit in a booth like a veal. I work every holiday, I go home to a cat. And now, a rich and handsome man has asked me to marry him, and I have said yes. Okay, okay, that makes me a raving total lunatic.

I know it's tomorrow, Jerry. But you know what, I even wish it were yesterday, because that would mean that today that I would be on my honeymoon, that I would finally have a stamp in my passport, and that it would say "Italy" on it!

You know, Jack, I've had a really lousy Christmas. You've just managed to kill my New Year's. If you come back on Easter- you can burn down my apartment.

No, N-o, yes. All of you. I went from being all alone to being a fiancée, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, and a friend.

What's the big deal? Jerry, they think I'm their future daughter-in-law. And the grandma has got this heart thing and if I tell them the truth, she's gonna have a heart attack and die and it's gonna be on my head.

And what are you, the Happiness Guru, Jack? Are you happy? Because I don't remember you having had a conversation with your father. I mean, you do want to leave the business don't you, or is this just like another miscommunication that we're having here?