Weird Science Monologues

Two high-school nerds use a computer program to literally create the perfect woman, who promptly turns their lives upside-down.

So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?

Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.

You guys created me, I didn't come from anywhere. Before you started messing around with your computer, I didn't even exist. By the way, you did an excellent job. Thank you.

If you want be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Wyatt, you're going to have a heart attack by the time you're forty if you don't learn to relax. Have you tried inversion boots?

If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good.

It's seriously affecting your sex life. Ten seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out. You slept. I did my toes. By the way, you're very cute. We'll try it again some other time, okay?

I'm not going to hurt you, you silly thing. I mean, your lips. They feel like rigor mortis has set in. Why don't you try and relax a little bit? I'm only kissing you.

Honey buns, you want to party so badly, you could bottle it. I mean, you and Gary, you want friends, you want popularity, you want all that stuff, right?

What's there to understand? They're oppressive, meddlesome, difficult, demanding and totally bizarre. I mean, they're normal parents.

Guys, you have uninvited guests. I think you better come out and ask them to leave. They're getting pretty rowdy. This is an excellent chance for you to prove your bravery and courage.

Those guys really need some self-confidence. A challenge. Something that'll bring out their inner strength and courage. I'm so bloody clever. Now!

You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us. I mean, all our lives we've been saying how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And now it's our party and we're in the john. We're in the john!

EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.

Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg out my ass right now, I would! Look we can deal with shame, death is a much deeper issue.

It can't be a dream! How can 2 people have the same dream. Ok lets analyse this. In the middle of the night... did I get up... and yack in your sink?

Didn't throw up? No? Maybe it was a dream then, you know... a very weird... bizarre... vivid... erotic... wet... detailed dream. Maybe we had malaria.

I can't believe you, I CANNOT belive you. You're dropping wolf-bait, and there are chicks outside!

Hold it, Wyatt. I know female stats. Anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue.

And as for your ugly ass, let me tell you something, you don't come into my friend's house, with your faggot friends, driving your motor bikes all over his floors, breaking windows, making a mess, stinking up the place, and believe me you do stink.

And here's what's gonna happen. You let go of the girls and you're going to apologize to all these people and you're gonna get on your bikes and pedal your ugly asses outta here.

So now, we're gentlemen so we're gonna give you a choice.

We need more input. We gotta fill this thing up with data. We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt. I want her to live. I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicize.

How about if we see if we can score the points with these two and deal with the McKays when we get to them later?

Okay, but whatever happens, we've gotta give Lisa a shot. I don't wanna hurt her feelings. Maybe the girls are lookin' for a long, lean bone job from me. Ready to party now?

We're gonna go get you guys some drinks. You look like a scotch man, you want some- we're gonna get some stuff and…

Well yeah, kinda, if you could call it- because…

I don't know, I mean I guess I was just asking myself that very question, and I can be a dick sometimes, so I don't know, I don't know.

I can't believe this shit. I can't believe this. Did you get a free toaster with this too?

Well, I know that! But, we can use it, Wyatt. We can ask it questions. We can put it in real-life sexual situations and see how it reacts. Like real sick, demented shit.

Okay, look. You know how you're always talking how you can simulate all that stuff on your computer. You know? What's the difference? Why can't we simulate a girl?

I was nuts for the woman, man. Now you gotta believe me, I'm tellin' the truth here. I'm speakin' to you. I mean, I was nuts for the girl. And what did it to me was these big titties she had. For a 13-year-old girl, man! She wouldn't have had to worry about no titties for the rest of her life, boy. You know, she was set and she was looking good, son

Listening to this blues music reminds me of my own trials and tribulations as a young guy.

Al - Dad - my dad's a plumber. And he's into plumbing. And, well, I guess you plumb, right, Dad?

Deb, Lisa is everything I ever wanted in a girl - before I knew what I wanted. I know that if I could do it again, I'd make her just like you. Honest.