Two Night Stand Monologues

A snowstorm forces two people who made an online connection to unwillingly extend their one-night stand as the blizzard goes through the night.

She can do that? She can refuse my bail, are you serious? Okay, uh, look, I just need to talk to her.

Right, that makes sense. Well, I would prefer not to spend the next twenty four hours in an uncomfortable silence with you, so why don't we just pretend that we never had sex? It didn't happen. And then we can pretend that it's just the weather and not your passive-aggressive magical grandmother.

Did you just call my penis big?

Well, it's still nice to hear.

Look at 'em, a million tiny, little matchmakers. Thank you, snowflakes.

Women are most honest when they're trying to hurt somebody's feelings.

Hey. I just thought of an idea that could fix everything. Do you want to get high?

Yeah, me neither. That was just a test. I didn't know if you were a cop.

You are an asshole in so many languages.

I think you severely overestimated your ability to break hearts.

No, that's like trying to get the toothpaste back into the tube - you can't do it. It is out there. I have seen your penis. You've implied I'm a slut. Those are big things.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I am an epic dancer, but you see… see if you see me dance, you'll follow me around like a little puppy dog and it'll be embarrassing for us both. So you have to stay here. For your own safety, trust me on that one.

This is a serious pattern, I am regressing. Last year I was in college and I was Chris's fiancee and I drank wine in restaurants. And now I am at home all day in my underwear, and I'm nobody's nothing and I can't even get into a bar. What is happening to me? I am going backwards! I am Benjamin Button-ing!

So earlier you asked what I did for a living and I kinda got a little feisty.

Well, the answer is… I am less-then-employed at the moment. I don't do anything. See, last year I was able to say, "I'm a premed student, " which sounds kind of impressive, right? Uh, but then I graduated and I'm not allowed to say it anymore.

No, no, no, no, you just- you step away, you are not cleaning that up. You will just hold it over my head, go… to… your… room! I can handle this.