There’s Something About Mary Monologues

A man gets a chance to meet up with his dream girl from high school, even though his date with her back then was a complete disaster.

Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters…

Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.

Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

Ah… no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

Why I did it? Ah… I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...

I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.

He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

See… that's great. That's what I want. A family and somebody to… you know… it must be wonderful having all this.

I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops - but hardly any meat.

You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.