The Waterboy Monologues

A waterboy for a college football team discovers he has a unique tackling ability and becomes a member of the team.

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

Oh yeah, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my Momma and Coach Klein at the same time.

Oh, thank you. But, you see there's this girl, Vicki Vallencourt. She may be the devil, Momma said that. Consequently, I am prohibited from contact with her. But, I hope to get past that one day cause she's nice to talk to.

Look who's on TV, Mama… it's the devil.

The devil?

Everything is the devil to you, Mama! Well, I like school, and I like football! And I'm gonna keep doin' them both because they make me feel good!

And by the way, Mama. "Alligators" are ornery 'cause of their "Medula Oblongata"!And I like Vicki, and she like me back! And she showed me her boobies, and I like them too!

Mama says that alligators are ornery… 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.

Mama say that happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you feelin' blue.

No, Colonel Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right. You're all wrong. Mama's right. Mama's right!

Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourbon Bowl, do ya?

If you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go hang myself.