The Untouchables Monologues

I want you to get this fuck where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!

S'alright. I grew up in a tough neighborhood and we used to say "You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word."

A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins.

I'm gonna tell you something. Somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with with him. Somebody steals from me, I'm gonna say you stole. Not talk to him for spitting on the sidewalk. Understand? Now, I have done nothing to harm these people but they are angered with me, so what do they do, doctor up some income tax, for which they have no case. To speak to me like me, no, to harass a peaceful man. I pray to god if I ever had a grievance I'd have a little more self respect. One more thing, you have an all out prize fight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. And that's how you know who won.

Well, I'll tell ya, you know, it's touching. Like a lot of things in life, we laugh because it's funny and we laugh because it's true. Now, some people will say - reformers, they'll say, 'Put that man in jail! What does he think he is doing?' Well, what I hope I'm doing, and here's where your English paper's got a point, is - I'm responding to the will of the people.

People are gonna drink! You know that, I know that, we all know that, and all I do is act on that. And all this talk of bootlegging - what is bootlegging? On a boat, it's bootlegging. On Lake Shore Drive, it's hospitality. I'm a businessman!

When you got an all-out prizefight, you wait until the fight is over, one guy is left standing. 'N' that's how you know who won.

Yes! There is violence in Chicago. But not by me, and not by anybody who works for me, and I'll tell you why because it's bad for business.

You said you wanted to get Capone. Do you really wanna get him? You see what I'm saying is, what are you prepared to do?

And *then* what are you prepared to do? If you open the can on these worms you must be prepared to go all the way. Because they're not gonna give up the fight, until one of you is dead.

You wanna know how to get Capone? They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. *That's* the *Chicago* way! And that's how you get Capone. Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that? I'm offering you a deal. Do you want this deal?

You just fulfilled the first rule of law enforcement: make sure when your shift is over you go home alive. Here endeth the lesson.

If you're afraid of getting a rotten apple, don't go to the barrel. Get it off the tree.

Don't wait for it to happen. Don't even want it to happen. Just watch what does happen.

Where are you from, Stone?

"Stone"? "George Stone"? That's your name? What's your real name?

Nah. What was it before you changed it?

Jeez, I knew it! That's all you need is one thieving wop on the team!

I said that you're a lying member of a no-good race.Mr. Ness, everybody knows where the booze is. The problem isn't finding it, the problem is who wants to cross Capone.

I need to know where this guy is! And I need to know NOW! Or I'm gonna rat you out for all the shit I know that you've done in your life! I'm going to turn you over!

Let's cut the wolfing, pal! You tell me, or you're going to the hospital or the fucking morgue!

You're gonna talk, pal. You're gonna beg to talk. Because somebody's going to talk!

Hey you, on your feet! We need you to translate this book! And I'm not going to ask you a second time! I'm gonna count to three.

What's the matter? Can't you talk with a gun in your mouth? One... two... THREE!

Welcome to Chicago.This town stinks like a whorehouse at low tide.

If you walk through this door now, you're walking into a world of trouble. And there's no turning back. You understand?