The Other Guys Monologues

Two mismatched New York City detectives seize an opportunity to step up like the city's top cops, whom they idolize, only things don't quite go as planned.

I'm like a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop'. Okay? It's the oldest game in the book for a reason - it works. I come strong, then you come in. You got it?

Now you listen to me, you piece of shit! It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart! How did you cover your losses up? Huh? What drug cartel are you working with now?

You keep hiding from shit in the world, and eventually the world comes to your front door.

So he's walking home, and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, 'Vroom!' A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!

Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened? Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked up duck!"

I don't get it, man. I just do not get it. I mean, that girl Christinith was seriously hot. Your wife is crazy hot. I mean, even that Brazilian security chick, she threw you a "do me" vibe. What is it with you and hot ladies?

You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple of detectives and I was about to start bad-mouthing you behind your back, but I stopped myself because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.

OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said 'You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.

We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned.

I can't hear! I can't hear! There's blood blisters on my hands! Oh, my God! How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star, and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

I gave my love to Erin/She promised to be true/I went to war to come back/And find five British soldiers/Had their way with her/It was consensual

And all their fathers were hanged/And the children all got pink eye/While their Harry Potter books were burned.