The Man Who Wasn’t There Monologues

A laconic, chain-smoking barber blackmails his wife's boss and lover for money to invest in dry cleaning, but his plan goes terribly wrong.

They got this guy, in Germany. Fritz Something-or-other. Or is it? Maybe it's Werner. Anyway, he's got this theory, you wanna test something, you know, scientifically - how the planets go round the sun, what sunspots are made of, why the water comes out of the tap - well, you gotta look at it. But sometimes you look at it, your looking changes it. Ya can't know the reality of what happened, or what would've happened if you hadn't-a stuck in your own goddamn schnozz. So there is no "what happened"? Not in any sense that we can grasp, with our puny minds. Because our minds... our minds get in the way. Looking at something changes it. They call it the "Uncertainty Principle". Sure, it sounds screwy, but even Einstein says the guy's on to something.

The more you look, the less you really know. It's a fact, a true fact. In a way, it's the only fact there is.

You say he was being blackmailed, by who? You don't know. For having an affair, with who? You don't know. Did anyone else know about it? Probably not, you don't know.

Science. Perception. Reality. Doubt. Reasonable doubt.

No talking out of school. What's out of school? Everything's out of school. I do the talking. You keep your trap shut. I'm an attorney. You're a barber. You don't know anything.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, citizens of Santa Rosa, we've just heard from the district attorney a rather lurid description of a truly despicable man.

One may at first look at these lines and see only the chaos of a work of modern art.

Look closely at him. This human, this barber.

But most specifically, this is a barber's dilemma. For he is modern man.

He is your reflection.

Call for a Mistrial, your Honour!

You're okay, pal. You're okay, she's okay, everything's gonna be hunky... And the, and the flapjacks, honey.