The Ides of March Monologues

An idealistic staffer for a new presidential candidate gets a crash course on dirty politics during his stint on the campaign trail.

If you want to be president, you can start a war, you can lie, you can cheat, you can bankrupt the country, but you can't fuck the interns. They'll get you for that.

I'm not a Christian. I'm not an Atheist. I'm not Jewish. I'm not Muslim. My religion, what I believe in is called the Constitution of United States of America.

How old are you?

Twenty-one?

That's young.

Well, you see, the laws are different in different states. Here, at your hotel here in Kentucky, it's frowned upon.

But, if we go across the bridge into Ohio...

Yeah, surprisingly, they're very lax about their child-endangerment laws.

I took a cab.

I'm married to the campaign, governor.

I can't find the goddamn polls!

Do yourself a favor. Get out, now. While you still can. Go into entertainment or business, go open a fucking restaurant in Costa Rica. Anything. Do something that's gonna make you happy, okay? Cause you stay in this business long enough, you're going to get jaded and cynical.

You exude something. You draw people in. All the reporters love you. Even the ones that hate you love you. 'Cause you play them like the pieces on a chessboard and make it look effortless. And we both know how hard it is constantly being on guard, weighing every word, every move. But from the outside, you make it look easy. People are scared of you. 'Cause they don't understand how you do it, and they love you for it. And that is the most valuable thing in this business. The ability to win people's respect by making them mistake their fear for love.

You know, I'm trying to remember if the Democrats have ever nominated an atheist before.