The Hangover Monologues

Three buddies wake up from a bachelor party in Las Vegas, with no memory of the previous night and the bachelor missing. They make their way around the city in order to find their friend before his wedding.

She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!

What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers,

well then we're shit out of luck.

'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.

Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.

Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!

Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!

Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.

ou're a - You…

You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

We uh, stole it from these dumbass cops.

We're going to be okay. Everything's going to be ok, alright?

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?

Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!

Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.

Why don't we remember a God damn thing from last night?

So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?

You found a baby before? Where?

Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!

Don't let the beard fool you. He's a child!

I lost a tooth! I married a whore!

Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.

You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.

Fuck those guys! You hear me? That was bullshit! I'm tellin' everybody we stole a cop car! You can't just do that! You can't just tease people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality!

I'm getting a soda. You guys want anything?

That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.

They are mature, you just have to get to know them better…

I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

World War II.

No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Can I ask you another question?

You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?

Did, umm… did Caesar live here?

I didn't think so.

Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.