The F Word (What if) Monologues

Wallace, who is burned out from a string of failed relationships, forms an instant bond with Chantry, who lives with her longtime boyfriend. Together, they puzzle out what it means if your best friend is also the love of your life.

In fairy tales, love inspires you to be noble and courageous, but in real life, love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior. You can lie and cheat and hurt people, and it's all okay because you're in love.

Uh, thank you, thank you. To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend, it seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour, let alone a lifetime. And then you meet Nicole, and that is the good news here. Um, if these two can find each other, then there truly is somebody for everyone. The bad news is that one day, they will procreate, and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the Apocalypse. But tonight, we celebrate the good news. I remember the night Allan and Nicole met, and that instant connection. You know, if you're lucky, it happens once in a lifetime, and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings and hear people like me talking about it, and assume that we are all hopeless romantics. It's very easy to be cynical about love, but this, tonight, this is hard. So to Allan and Nicole, for making the hard way look easy.

I thought a lot about something you said. About how when you realize how quickly everything can fall apart it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. Whatever this is between us, it is good. It is so good. It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't want it to be over.

I'm not treating this like a joke. And I am not being an asshole. ALLAN is being an asshole and NICOLE is being an asshole, and right now, YOU'RE kinda being an asshole. Me? I'm standing here with a BRANCH! A branch that cuts down approximately ZERO percent of the windchill factor on my DICK, okay! I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag! How does that make me an asshole?

So I found this website where they explain what Fool's Gold is. You take an entire loaf of Italian white bread, you coat it in butter and bake it. Then you hollow out the inside and fill it with an entire jar of peanut butter, and an entire jar of jam. Then you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon. The website said it serves eight to ten people, or one Elvis.