The Birdcage Monologues

A gay cabaret owner and his drag queen companion agree to put up a false straight front so that their son can introduce them to his fiancée's right-wing moralistic parents.

That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?

You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!

Oh yes… Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

"You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."

Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.

Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?

My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."

Here I am! Oh, please forgive me for being so late, but the traffic was unbelievable. Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley, I'm so happy to meet you at last. And, oh... you must be Barbara. What a pretty child. Come here and give me a hug!

Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!… but you keep it all inside.

My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.

What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.

Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!

A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.

So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."

Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.

So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.

Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!

Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...

I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.

Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?