Superman Monologues

An alien orphan is sent from his dying planet to Earth, where he grows up to become his adoptive home's first and greatest superhero.

Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it's a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

Do you know why the number two hundred is so vitally descriptive to both you and me? It's your weight and my I.Q.

It's amazing that brain can generate enough power to keep those legs moving.

Look at that overgrown boy scout, Miss Teschmacher. Tell me what you see.

You like cuteness, huh? You like dimples? I'll give you dimples.

The pressure is still on you, Superman. You know what they say - "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the tunnel".

This is your last chance, Superman. Why don't you do yourself a favor, and take a chill pill?

Yes, Superman. Double jeopardy. Even you with your great speed couldn't stop both of them. While I, on the other hand, could stop them with my detonator.

I told ya. It's kryptonite, Superman. A little piece of the rock you were born on. I've spared no expense to make you feel right at home.

You were great in your day, Superman. But it just stands to reason. When it came time to cash in your chips, this old... diseased maniac... would be your banker. Mind over muscle.

You were great in your day, Superman. But it just stands to reason, when it came time to cash in your chips, this old... diseased... maniac would be your banker.

Miss Teschmacher, when I was six years old my father said to me…

Before that. He said, "Son, stocks may rise and fall, utilities and transportation systems may collapse. People are no damn good, but they will always need land and they will pay through the nose to get it! Remember," my father said...

Right. It's a pity he couldn't see from such humble beginnings how I've created this empire.

Miss Teschmacher, how many girls do you know who have a Park Avenue address like this one?

"You must've been a beautiful baby, you must've been a wonderful child; when you were only startin' to go to kindergarten, you must've drove the little boys wild; And when it came to winning blue ribbons, you must've shown the other kids how; I can see the judge's eyes, when he handed you the prize, you must've made the cutest bow; Yeah, you must've been a beautiful baby… 'Cause, baby, look at you now."

Because I love you, Miss Teschmacher.

This is Lex Luthor. Only one thing alive with less than four legs can hear this frequency, Superman, and that's you. In approximately five minutes a poisoned gas pellet containing a propane lithium compound will be released through thousands of air ducts in this city. Effectively annihilating half the population of Metropolis. I know it all seems a bit much, but how else was I going to get to meet you, Superman? I… knew you'd never accept an invitation to tea. But a disaster - with people in danger - people who need help… well, I just knew you couldn't resist the… chance to sort of… pitch in. Know what I mean?

It all fits somehow, his coming here to Metropolis. And at this particular time. There's a kind of cruel justice about it. I mean, to commit the crime of the century, a man would naturally want to face the challenge of the century.

Passing through? Not on your life Otis. Which I would gladly sacrifice, by the way, for the opportunity of destroying everything that he represents. And, Otis, by the way, next time put my robe on *after* I'm out of the pool.

Sick, Miss Teschmacher? Sick, when I'm mere days from executing the crime of the century? No, no, no, no. Step away from that, please. How do you choose to congratulate the greatest criminal mind of our time? Huh? Huh? You tell me than I'm brilliant? Oh, no, no, that would be too obvious, I grant you. Charismatic. Fiendishly gifted, uh...

Now. As you may or may not know, I am as they say, very heavy into real estate. In order to make money in that game you have to buy for a little and sell for a lot. Right?

Everything west of this line is the richest, most expensive real estate in the world: San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco. Everything on this side of the line is just hundreds and hundreds of miles of worthless desert land. Which just so happens to be owned by…

I'll admit there were a few problems. Adjusting the precise trajectory of the missile, finding the optimum stress point for the fault line itself... which by the way is, uh, Target Zero, right here.

Thanks to the generous help of the United States government, we are about to be involved in the greatest real estate swindle of all time!

You will travel far, my little Kal-El. But we will never leave you... even in the face of our death. The richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more, I... I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father the son. This is all I... all I can send you, Kal-El.

Live as one of them, Kal-El, to discover where your strength and your power are needed. But always hold in your heart the pride of your special heritage. They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son.

This is no fantasy, no careless product of wild imagination. No, my good friends. These indictments I have brought you today, specific charges listed herein against the individuals - their acts of treason, their ultimate aim of sedition… These are matters of undeniable fact. I ask you now to pronounce judgement on those accused…

On this… this mindless aberration, whose only means of expression are wanton violence and destruction.

On the woman Ursa, whose perversions and unreasoning hatred of all mankind have threatened even the children of the planet Krypton.

Finally, General Zod - once trusted by this council, charged with maintaining the defense of the planet Krypton itself. Chief architect of this intended revolution, and author of this insidious plot to establish a new order amongst us - with himself as absolute ruler.

You have heard the evidence. The decision of the council will now be made.

I've seen the likes of your new order, too many times before. And I know only too much about what you call "greatness".

Your name is Kal-El. You are the only survivor of the planet Krypton. Even though you've been raised as a human, you are not one of them. You have great powers, only some of which you have as yet discovered.

The reasons are two. First, you cannot serve humanity twenty-eight hours a day.

Or twenty-four, as it is in Earth time. Your help would be called for endlessly, even for those problems which human beings could solve themselves. It is their habit to abuse their resources in such a way.

Secondly, your enemies will discover their only way to hurt you: by hurting the people you care for.

Lastly... Do not punish yourself for your feelings of vanity. Simply learn to control them. It is an affliction common to all, even on Krypton. Our destruction could have been avoided had it not been for the vanity of some who considered us indestructible. Were it not for vanity, why... at this very moment...

I could embrace you in my arms. My son.

The early history of our universe was a bloody mosaic of interplanetary war.