Stripes Monologues

Two friends who are dissatisfied with their jobs decide to join the army for a bit of fun.

Well, okay, hot shot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are. Reveille is O five hundred. We're going to fall out with locker boxes and we're going to have a locker box inspection. And then we're going to do ten miles. Rain or shine! So, you better hit them bunks my little babies. Or, Sgt Hulka with the big toe is going to see how far he can stick it up your ass!

Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.

I'm talking about something important, like discipline and duty and honor and courage. And you ain't got none of it!

I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man to man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk!

I'm willing to forget this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.

You better hit those bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the "big toe" is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.

We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.

When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand?

Sir, if you'll take my advice, there's a crack squad in the 42nd. It can link up with the air recon. We'd have that EM-50 back here in this side of 24 hours.

Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw "Old Yeller?" Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?

Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure.

I cried my eyes out. So we're all dogfaces, we're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us - we're soldiers. But we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're ten and one! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud.

C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin.

My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.

Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.

Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe… Sergeant Hulka.

Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."

Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.

I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.

FAIR? Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair. Truth is fair. Is it fair that you were born like this? NO! They're not expecting somebody like you in there, Ox. They're expected one of these slugs. You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer. You're a trained killer. You're a LEAN… MEAN…

I don't think I've ever been this happy.

Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.

I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.

Tito Puente is going to be dead and you're going to say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years and I think he's fabulous."

You don't think that takes energy? You're a sexual dynamo! Most guys couldn't even handle you. I've been readin' books on the outside just so I can keep up with you!

It's a little cute. Come on, I'm part of a lost and restless generation. What do you want me to do? Run for the Senate?

Who's your friend? Who's your buddy? I am, aren't I? You're crazy about me, aren't you?