Seven Psychopaths Monologues

A struggling screenwriter inadvertently becomes entangled in the Los Angeles criminal underworld after his oddball friends kidnap a gangster's beloved Shih Tzu.

Hey new idea how 'bout we change the title from The Seven Psychopaths to The Seven Lesbians Who Are All Disabled And Have Overcome All Their Spazzy Shit And Are Really Nice to Everybody And Two of Them Are Black. How 'bout that?

No it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. Hows the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left, who's still got one eye! All that guy has to do is run away and hide behind a bush. Gandhi was wrong, it's just that nobody's got the balls to come right out and say it.

Of course you do, Marty. One: You're a writer. Two: You're from Ireland. It's part of your heritage. You're fucked!

You can't let the animals die in a movie… only the women.

Okay, here we go. Exterior. Cemetery. Night. The shoot-out. Yeah! The Jack O' Diamonds is waiting there with Bonny, and he's arranged to give him back and have this whole thing end because all he really wants is peace. You know, like Gandhi or Jesus or that other guy. Anyway, he's waiting there for the Mafia boss, who's agreed to show up alone and unarmed. But, yeah, guess what?

Yeah. Exactly! Maybe the Jack O' Diamonds was expecting to get double-crossed because he just happens to have brought a couple of friends along. Suddenly, from out of every fucking grave burst the seven psychopaths, a gun in every hand. Flamethrower! Who the fuck is that? It's the Vietcong guy. He was hiding up a tree. You!

You're there, but you're just there to observe, and that's all right. Nobody thinks you're a pussy. But it's started raining now. Lightning. And oh, no, look who's wandered in like a fucking idiot. It's Kaya. She's come to say sorry to you, and she loves you, and that she didn't mean to be such a fucking bitch. You scream out, "Kaya! Stay back!" Too late, she's fucking mown down. Fucking mown down! Her head almost comes off. Her head does come off. You scream out her name, all sad, and she dies. You throw your notepad away. Art and peace and all that shit can wait! Now's the time for men to be men! "Fuck you, you cunts!" It's really emotional. And then… Hold on. Yeah… The black chick from the serial killer killers. She fought good, but she's the next to croak. Zachariah dies, too. He buys it. Dies in her arms. And they die and they're old and mental, and so much in love. You know, it's really sad. But his rabbit gets away, though, because you can't let the animals die in a movie. Just the women. Anyway, guns, guns, guns! Blam, blam, blam. The Vietcong gets hit. Then he dies, and he never even had a fucking name, and he's so good. With his dying move, he throws his nunchakus and he kills two of the bastards.

So the only ones left are you and Hans. Peace is for queers. And now you're gonna die. But the Jack O' Diamonds isn't dead at all. He was just a bit injured and he had a fucking crossbow up his sleeve. That's not enough, so he pulls out a shotgun. Goodbye. And as the Jack O' Diamonds dies in their arms, he whispers, "We did good, we did good, didn't we, Marty?" And through your tears, you say, "Ah, bejesus, Jack, "we did more than good. We did grand." Jack says, "All I ever wanted was to be your friend. Marty, I'm your friend now, ain't I?" And you say, "Ah, bejesus, sure, you're me best friend, Jack. "You're me best friend." And then the Jack O' Diamonds dies. And as his soul leaves his body to go dance with the angels, we pan up over the blood-strewn cemetery and off into the pretty blue skies of dawn. Skies blue enough to suggest that maybe there can be peace one day in this troubled but beautiful world. Maybe there can be peace because that would be good!

Monday the 14th. Sat watching the shadow of the neighbor's flagpole across my lawn again from 7:00 in the morning to 7:00 in the evening. That's 11 hours. They've got a right to y a flag, don't they? Note to self, do not set fire to the neighbor's flag.

I'll give you a clue. Come on in. So, yeah, I just called up old Charlie Costello and I told him where we were and to come down and get his dog back and said if he had any trouble finding us, just look for a Buick on fire. But I did tell him to promise to come alone and unarmed, and he said he would. And he'll be here in a couple of hours, depending on traffic.

This is kind of like that window of time when you're waiting in the waiting room of the VD clinic, isn't it? For the door to open and the doctor to come out and say, "Billy, you're good to go." Or, "Billy, you've got VD." Or chlamydia or whatever.

Now I've labeled these guns up for you, but you don't have to use them and I won't think that you are pussies, but I am gonna hang on to mine. I think we've done enough of this talking about peace in the desert type stuff. Don't you? I do. This movie ends my way.

It's a kidnapped dog. You don't just give back a kidnapped dog. Defeats the entire object of the kidnapping. They didn't just give Patty Hearst back, did they? No, this dog is my Patty Hearst. Except I ain't gonna keep it in a closet and make it rob a bank. No, I'm gonna hold on to it until your asshole boyfriend starts behaving like a decent human being and gives me a bunch of money.