School of Rock Monologues

After being kicked out of his rock band, Dewey Finn becomes a substitute teacher of an uptight elementary private school, only to try and turn his class into a rock band.

My name is Dewey Finn. And no, I'm not a licensed teacher, but I have been touched by your kids. And I'm pretty sure that I've touched them.

Yes! But, you can't just say it, man. You've gotta feel it in your blood and guts! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules. You gotta get mad at the man! And right now, I'm the man. That's right, I'm the man, and who's got the guts to tell me off? Huh? Who's gonna tell me off?

God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people's minds with our high voltage rock. In your name we pray, Amen.

Hey, you've got some everybody wants: You've got talent, girl! You have an incredible singing voice, and I'm not just saying that. You've heard of Aretha Franklin, right?

She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds. Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight issue?

Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy! And chubby, man.

Because I like to eat. Is that such a crime? Look, you know what? That's not even the point. The thing is, you're a rock star now. All you gotta do is just go out there and rock your heart out. People are gonna dig you, I swear. Let's go out here and show 'em what you got, what do you say?

I pledge allegiance... to the band... of Mr. Schneebly... and will not fight him... for creative control... and will defer to him on all issues related to the musical direction of the band.

Oh, I was this close to getting the Polish Philharmonic and I nailed the audish, but I didn't get it. Guess who did? Yo-Yo Ma's cousin. Little nepotis! Anyway, I just decided to give up and become a teacher, because those that can't do, teach, and those that can't teach, teach gym.

It may sound easy, but nothing could be harder. It will test your head, and your mind, and your brain, too.

Math is a wonderful thing. Math is a really cool thing. So get off your ath, let's do some math. Math, math, math, math, math. Three minus four is?

That's right. And six times a billion is?

Nailed it. And fifty-four is forty-five more than what is the answer, Marta?

No, it's eight.

...Yes, I was testing you... it's nine. And that's a magic number.

In the end of time, there was a man who knew the road. And the writing was written on the stone. In the ancient time, an artist led the way, but no one seemed to understand. In his heart he knew, the artist must be true, but the legend of the rent was way past due! Well you think you'll be just fine without me, but you're mine! You think you can kick me out of the band? Well there's just one problem there. The band is mine! How can you kick me out of what is mine? Well you're not hardcore unless you live hardcore, but the legend of the rent was way hardcore!

You want me to teach you something? Here's a useful lesson for you: give up. Just quit. Because in this life, you can't win. Yeah, you can try. But in the end, you're just gonna lose, big time. Because the world is run by the Man.

The Man. Oh, you don't know the Man? He's everywhere. In the White House, down the hall, Miss Mullins, she's the Man. And the Man ruined the ozone, and he's burning down the Amazon, and he kidnapped Shamu and put her in a chlorine tank! Okay? And there used to be a way to stick it to the Man, it was called rock 'n roll. But guess what? Oh no. The Man ruined that, too, with a little thing called MTV! So don't waste your time trying to make anything cool, or pure, or awesome, 'cause the Man is just gonna call you a fat washed up loser and crush your soul. So do yourselves a favor and just GIVE UP!

Lead guitar... Zack Attack. On bass... Posh Spice. On keyboards, Mr. Cool. And on drums, Spazzy McGee. Okay, Blondie, Brace Face, you're singing backup. All right, Tough Guy, Shortstop, Fancy Pants, get over here. You're on security detail.

Of course, you can, Fancy Pants. Okay. Carrot Top, Roadrunner, Turkey Sub, we're gonna have a lot of equipment...

And you three… groupies… As for me, I will be singing lead vocal and shredding guitar.

Now you played hard in here, people, and I am proud of every last stinking one of you. So let's just give thing everything we got. We may fall on our faces, but if we do, we will fall with dignity! With a guitar in our hands, and rock in our hearts! And in the words of AC/DC: "We roll tonight, to the guitar bite, and for those about to rock, I salute you."

Now raise your goblet of rock. It's a toast to those who rock!

Look, the first thing you do when you start a band is talk about your influences. That's how you figure out what kind of band you want to be. So who do you like? Blondie?

Who? No. Come on. What? You, Shortstop.

Wrong. Billy?

Hey! What's up? Is that a new song? Who's this guy?

Good, because I need the money. Now, listen. If we're gonna win this thing, we gotta actually start playing some music.

Your lyrics, now, don't take this the wrong way, Theo, are lame. But I've been sitting on some awesome material, so...

Okay, you're gonna kick me out of the band? You're gonna fire me? Well, this is my band. I brought us together.

Read between the lines, Theo. Read between the lines!

You guys, you know what? You're nuts. You're all nuts. You've been focused so hard on making it, you forgot about one little thing. It's called the music. And I don't even care. You know what? So what? I don't wanna hang out with a bunch of wannabe corporate sellouts. I'm gonna form my own band and we are gonna start a revolution, okay? And you're gonna be a funny little fotenote on my epic ass. I feel sorry for you guys.

Come on come on come on / Touch me babe, bada bada, can't you see / that I am not afraid, shaga tada! / Lawrence is good at piano / He shall be rocking in my show, shaga tada!

Come on, man! One show, $20,000 prize, we split it 60-40, grab your bass and come back to the garage, brother! I mean, don't you miss rocking out?

All right, that's it. Stop, you guys, stop. Seriously, you guys. All right, take five. Take five. You wanna go? All right. That was a good class.