Running Scared Monologues

Two street-wise Chicago cops have to shake off some rust after returning from a Key West vacation to pursue a drug dealer who nearly killed them in the past.

Uh, hello? Can I talk to Detective Sigliano and Detective Montoya pleeeassse? My name is Pinky, is this the detective? Hi, I usually inform for Hughes and Costanzo but they don' pay me no mo'... Oh, no! Oh, I'm watching the new "Jeopardy!" and a man missed a Bible question because he did not know what Deuteronomy waaaas! Oh yeah, I'll help you. I want you to get Gonzales and show up Hughes and Costanzo, they don't pay me no mo' and I'm maaaddd! Oh, no! Ya dummy, the answer is ipswich clams! The man who can take you to Gonzales, his name is Adam Robertson. He's a high-fallutin' lawyer type who lives at 1358 Lake Shore Drive. Oh, Motha! Motha! Can I have some more petite marshmallows in my hot cocoa... Gotta go, Final Jeopardy's on!

Hablo, Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain DEAD. Anything you do will be used against you. You have the right to a CORONER. If you cannot afford one, we will appoint a medical examiner for you.

Hey father, you and your wife owe me 28.50.

This block is being designated a Neighborhood Watch Area. There's a guy up here named Snake. He's wearing garage-sale clothes and the top of his head looks like a parakeet. He also has FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills in a briefcase. As his neighbors, it is your responsibility to make sure there are no suspicious characters or evil perpetrators lurking in the area who would seek to do him harm. Again, FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS in small bills, tax free, in a briefcase right in this apartment. Which has a really cheeseball lock! You can bust your way in there, bop him on the head, take the money, nobody would know! So it's UP TO YOU. Thanks a lot, have a good day.

Did you say I was rich? We'll have dinner at the Pump Room. Appetizers and everything. Then, I'm gonna buy me one of those mondo laser disc stereos were the speakers are so big that I have to move out, you know. Good seats for the Cubs games! I'm gonna give you ten thousand. I lie!

I'll have a band every weekend. I'll put up a big sign that says "Even Night is Ladies Night." I'll have wet t-shirt night for women over 70. You'll love this!

This will be the same thing. We break up some fights, we argue with some drunks, we roust some hookers, and occasionally we, if we're lucky, we'll get robbed.

I don't want this to get out of hand. We have an obligation to the lovely ladies of Key West. Remember them? The long legs, the flat bellies, the tight buns, and those tan tits!