Risky Business Monologues

A Chicago teenager is looking for fun at home while his parents are away, but the situation quickly gets out of hand.

My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?

You know, Bill, there's one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck, make your move."

It was great the way her mind worked. No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialities. Just the shameless pursuit of immediate gratification. What a capitalist.

The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors'. I ring, but nobody answers. The door is open, so I go inside. I'm looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what's what. Then I see her; this... girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she's doing there I don't know, because she doesn't live there... but it's a dream, so I go with it. "Who's there?" she says. "Joel," I say. "What are you doing here?" "I don't know what I'm doing here; what are *you* doing here?" "I'm taking a shower," she says. Then I give her: "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she's hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door... and I... find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I'm over three hours late; I've got two minutes to take the whole test. I've... just made a terrible mistake. I'll never get to college. My life is ruined.

College women can smell ignorance… like dog shit.

It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word.

I don't think I'm gonna say 'What the fuck' anymore. This thing has gotten... WAY out of control. I'm Gonna kill Miles!

This was a great idea, Joel. Where else can you get a hot chocolate for $4?