Rain Man Monologues

After a selfish L.A. yuppie learns his estranged father left a fortune to an autistic-savant brother in Ohio that he didn't know existed, he absconds with his brother and sets out across the country, hoping to gain a larger inheritance.

I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore. My father cut me out of his will. You probably knew he tried to contact me over the years. I never called him back. I was a prick. If he was my son and didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out. But it's not about the money anymore. You know, I just don't understand. Why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me that I had a brother? Because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just the past six days.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE WHERE YOU BUY UNDERWEAR? WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? UNDERWEAR IS UNDERWEAR! IT IS UNDERWEAR WHEREVER YOU BUY IT! IN CINCINNATI OR WHEREVER!

You know what I think, Ray? I think this autism is a bunch of shit! Because you can't tell me that you're not in there somewhere!

I'm sorry ma'am, I lied to you. I'm very sorry about that. That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch 'People's Court' in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen.

I'll tell you a story about my father, that car in the garage, was off limits to me. He said it was a classic, it demands respect. One day, I'm a sophomore in high school, I bring home a report card, it's almost all A's so I go to the old man, ask him if I can take the car out as sort of a victory drive. He says no. So I stole the keys and snuck it out.

This is a good one. We don't go out when it rains, this is a real good one. I hope you appreciate this because my business is going down the fucking toilet. I should be in L.A., instead I'm in the Honeymoon Haven motel in Bumblefuck, Missouri because you won't go out when it rains. Mystifying. Fucking mystifying.

When I asked you a week ago, 'Why didn't anyone tell me I had a brother?', you didn't have an answer, I don't know. It's funny, I just realized I'm not pissed off anymore that my father cut me out of his will. You were his friend, you probably knew that he tried to contact me a few times over the years. I never called him back, I was a prick; and if he was my son, didn't return my calls, I'd have written him out, fuck him. But it's not about the money any more. It's about… you know, I… just don't understand why didn't he tell me I had a brother? Why didn't you tell me I had a brother? Why didn't anyone ever tell me I had a brother? I mean… because it'd have been nice to know him for more than just these past six days.

Ray, you're never gonna solve it. It's not a riddle because Who *is* on first base. That's a joke, Ray, it's comedy, but when you do it you're not funny. You're like the comedy of Abbott and Abbott.

Small, and safe. Don't wanna miss the party. You know that, there's a party in your honor Ray. When we get to LA, there'll be a little custody hearing. Lawyers are setting it up right now. Know why there's a party for you? Because you're the $3,000,000 man.

Now it's five and a half weeks and I'm still sitting on four Lamborghinis that can't meet spot emissions standards. Now, how many times you wash out with EPA?

Three times? You're really on a roll here, my friend; four cars, three times each - that's zip for twelve. What are you, a... mechanic, or a NASA engineer? Now listen, now, I told you I've never dealt with these Lamborghinis before, and yet you assured me that you can deliver these cars within that time frame. Don't, don't tell me that, 'cause I - I'm not even listening.