Phone Booth Monologues

Publicist Stuart Shepard finds himself trapped in a phone booth, pinned down by an extortionist's sniper rifle. Unable to leave or receive outside help, Stuart's negotiation with the caller leads to a jaw-dropping climax.

You can't understand the pain of betrayal until you've been betrayed.

Nice shoes. Italian. You hung up, Stu. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I feel bad about the pizza guy. But I couldn't miss seeing you and Kelly reunited. You don't have to thank me, nobody ever does. I just hope your newfound honesty lasts. Because if it doesn't, you'll be hearing from me.

Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?

You'd shoot me if you had the chance, wouldn't you?

Stu, don't do this. Please, come on. My sainted mother used to do this. She used to dish this out... Stu, please don't this. Stu, you're bringing back my unhappy childhood. Stu, talk to me, please! Talk to me! I can't take it Stu... Ahh!

I'm kidding. I had a very happy childhood.

You're in this position because you're not telling the truth.

Now doesn't that just torque your jaws? I love that. You know like in the movies just as the good guy is about to kill the bad guy, he cocks his gun. Now why didn't he have it cocked? Because that sound is scary. It's cool, isn't it?

If only you had dealt with the man decently, this might not have been necessary.

But not your respect, which is what he really wanted. You were dismissive just as you were to the nice pizza guy. You are guilty of inhumanity to your fellow man.

Come on, Stu! Don't you get the game yet?

Do you see the tourists with their video cameras, hoping the cops will shoot you so they can sell the tape to Goriest Police Shoot-outs?

This guy is getting on my nerves.

Wait till it goes national. ABC, CBS, CNN, UPN, you're gonna have the whole alphabet.

Stu, you just gave that man $10 to walk away and saved his life. You have human emotions after all.

If this is true Stuart, then I have to take somebody with me don't I? And since Kelly is the most important thing in your life, I'll take her.

This is exciting. You get to choose between them. Kelly. Pam. BAM BAM!

Think so? Let's see. One...

Two. That won't help you. Three!

Oh Stu, look at everybody. Look at all the people yelling, Stu. Here come the cops, sniper on the roof. Gunfire. Hit the deck.

TV seems to bring out the worst in people.

That's it, the captain gets a bullet.

Stu, if you hang up, I will kill you.

I never said I had bincolars. I have a highly magnified telescopic image of you. Now what kind of a device has a telescopic sight mounted on it?

A 30-calibre bolt-action 700 with a Carbon One modification and a state-of-the-art Hensoldt tactical scope. And it's staring straight at you.

At this range, the exit wound ought to be about the size of a small tangerine.

Now doesn't that just torque your jaws? I love that. You know like in the movies just as the good guy is about to kill the bad guy, he cocks his gun. Now why didn't he have it cocked? Because that sound is scary. It's cool, isn't it?

You think she didn't know she was being watched.

But beautiful women always know. That false indifference, superior air. It's just a tease. They want eyes on them. Why does she put on her make up? Do her hair? Dress so nicely? Not for her husband which she hardly ever sees, no, it's for somebody else to notice... I notice.

Come on Stu. You're a selfish guy. Just pick one of them and save yourself.

Hi Stu! Now,you've had your little tantrum, and you've said some things in anger that I am willing to forget. Let's start over.

Yes, one of your pathetic failed ones. You don't have to come find me and ruin me, I can't get work as it is. I've done some off-Broadway, some off-Manhattan, but that dried up. Now I wait tables, clean toilets, anything I can to make the rent. I'm a walking cliché.

Everybody does harm.

You are going to learn to obey me.

Deception can't go unrewarded.

I have never done anything for anybody who couldn't do something for me. I string along an eager kid with promises I'll pay him money. I only keep him around because he looks up to me. Adam, if you're watching, don't be a publicist. You're too good for it. I lie in person and on the phone. I lie to my friends. I lie to newspapers and magazines who, who sell my lies to more and more people. I am just a part of a big cycle of lies, I should be fuckin' president. I wear all this Italian shit because underneath I still feel like the Bronx. I think I need these clothes and this watch. My two thousand dollar watch is a fake and so am I. I've neglected the things I should have valued most. I valued this shit. I take off my wedding ring to call Pam. Kelly, that's Pam. Don't blame her. I never told her I was married. And if I did she, she would have told me to go home. Kelly, looking at you now, I'm ashamed of myself. All right? I mean, I work so hard on this image, on Stu Shepherd, the asshole who refers to himself in the third person, that I only proved I should be alone. I have just been dressing up as something I'm not for so long, I'm so afraid no one will like what's underneath. But here I am, just flesh and blood and weakness, and uh and I love you so fucking much. And, um, I take off this ring because it only reminds me of how I've failed you, and I don't, don't want to give you up. I want to make things better, but it may not be my choice anymore. You deserve better.

With a big fucking smile on my face.

No, I'm in this fucking position because YOU HAVE A GUN!

What are you gonna do about it up in your fucking high window with your goddamn binoculars?

Look, you're a guy. Sometimes you wanna know it's a possibility, all right? You know it's like having a beautiful home, but you still dream of that quick vacation down there, you know, some nice hotel, a great view, I don't know, maybe a pool. But it's a just a fantasy because you'll never really leave home! Do you hear what I'm saying?

Stop fucking with my head!

The first step to being noticed is being mentioned.

This countr - this country owes you an apology. Look, I just had this vision of you coming back from the war, you know. Inured to the killing, not able to get work, isolated. I think that could be made into a pretty affecting story and one that, you know, everyone understands. And I think cops...

I think they're on the side of vets.