Naked Monologues

An unemployed Mancunian vents his rage on unsuspecting strangers as he embarks on a nocturnal London odyssey.

Was I bored? No, I wasn't fuckin' bored. I'm never bored. That's the trouble with everybody - you're all so bored. You've had nature explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the living body explained to you and you're bored with it, you've had the universe explained to you and you're bored with it. So now you want cheap thrills and like plenty of them, and it don't matter how tawdry or vacuous they are as long as it's new, as long as it's new, as long as it flashes and fuckin' bleeps in forty fuckin' different colors. So whatever else you can say about me, I'm not fuckin' bored.

I've got an infinite number of places to go, the problem is where to stay.

No matter how many books you read, there is something in this world that you never ever ever ever ever fucking understand.

Has nobody not told you, Brian, that you've got this kind of gleeful preoccupation with the future? I wouldn't even mind, but you don't even have a fuckin' future, I don't have a future. Nobody has a future. The party's over. Take a look around you man, it's all breaking up. Are you not familiar with the book of Revelations of St. John, the final book of the Bible prophesying the apocalypse?... He forced everyone to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead so that no one shall be able to buy or sell unless he has the mark, which is the name of the beast, or the number of his name, and the number of the beast is 6-6-6... What can such a specific prophecy mean? What is the mark? Well the mark, Brian, is the barcode, the ubiquitous barcode that you'll find on every bog roll and packet of johnnies and every poxy pork pie, and every fuckin' barcode is divided into two parts by three markers, and those three markers are always represented by the number 6. 6-6-6! Now what does it say? No one shall be able to buy or sell without that mark. And now what they're planning to do in order to eradicate all credit card fraud and in order to precipitate a totally cashless society, what they're planning to do, what they've already tested on the American troops, they're going to subcutaneously laser tattoo that mark onto your right hand, or onto your forehead. They're going to replace plastic with flesh. Fact! In the same book of Revelations when the seven seals are broken open on the day of judgment and the seven angels blow the trumpets, when the third angel blows her bugle, wormwood will fall from the sky, wormwood will poison a third part of all the waters and a third part of all the land and many many many people will die! Now do you know what the Russian translation for wormwood is?... Chernobyl! Fact. On August the 18th, 1999, the planets of our solar system are gonna line up into the shape of a cross... They're gonna line up in the signs of Aquarius, Leo, Taurus, and Scorpio, which just happen to correspond to the four beasts of the apocalypse, as mentioned in the book of Daniel, another fuckin' fact! Do you want me to go on? The end of the world is nigh, Brian, the game is up!

All right, I'm not saying that life will end or the world will end, or the universe will cease to exist. But man will cease to exist! Just like the dinosaurs passed into extinction, the same thing will happen to us! We're not fuckin' important! We're just a crap idea!

All right, listen. Does anybody mind if I scream here? Is that okay with you all? Cause I'd feel better for it. It won't take long.

Have you ever thought, right, but you don't know, but you may have already lived the happiest day in your whole fuckin' life and all you have left to look forward to is fuckin' sickness and purgatory?

I tend to skip a day now and again, if you know what I mean.

Well, basically, there was this little dot, right? And the dot went bang and the bang expanded. Energy formed into matter, matter cooled, matter lived, the amoeba to fish, to fish to fowl, to fowl to frog, to frog to mammal, the mammal to monkey, to monkey to man, amo amas amat, quid pro quo, memento mori, ad infinitum, sprinkle on a little bit of grated cheese and leave under the grill till Doomsday.

Well, I was standing over *there*, but that didn't seem to be working out for me, so I moved over here, but this one isn't much better.

Look, if you take the whole of time and represent it by one year, were only in the first few moments of the first of January. There's a long way to go. Only now were not going to spout extra limbs and wings and fins because evolution itself is evolving. When it comes, the apocalypse itself will be part of the process of that leap of evolution.

We must! By the very definition of apocalypse, mankind must cease to exist, at least in a material form.

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.

Well, it's like the, er, most sophisticated mechanism in the entire universe, and yet it's so fuckin' quiet, isn't it? Know what I mean?

It's like this, er, wet, pink factory. What the fuck are they makin' in there? I mean, what's the product? You never see no delivery trucks comin' and goin', do you?

You see, the thing is, Brian, that God is a hateful god. Must be, because if God is good, then why is there evil in the world? Why is there pain and hate and greed and war? Doesn't make sense. But if God is a nasty bastard, then you can say, "Why is there good in the world? Why is there love and hope and joy?"

You can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. And humanity is just a cracked egg. And the omelet stinks.

No, I like Laurel and Hardy, you know, although apparently they didn't get on in real life, you know, another illusion shattered. Sorry about that pal, it's just I've had a lot of bad experience with walls, you know, what with talking to them and climbing them, and me dad's driven me up a good few of them in 'is time, you know what I mean? But I think I've got the secret. The saucy little secret, this solipsistic, sagacious little secret is just, you got, you just gotta bang your fuckin' head against them. Just crack the old pate. Are you with me? Have you got it? And that's it, that's the key to enlightenment, which is, it's like that's why, it's like such a potent motif of civilization - it's the wall. It's like the, the Great Wall of China, and the Wall of Jericho and the Berlin Wall, and the Wailin' Wall. Now you see the Jews, they've almost got it, an't they? What with the old rockin' and that, and you know, just that six inches away and they'd be there, they'd have won the fuckin' race, they'll be there, you with me?

What is all this, anyway? What are you doing? Cancel everything. In the beginnin' there was the Word, and the word was "cancelled." D'you get like satisfaction out of this? D'you think you're makin' a contribution? You're like sort of publicly promulgating vacuities? Are you with me? Fuckin' hell!

Oh, that's it! Blank it all out! Blank it all out till you just atrophy and die of fucking indifference. Can I show you something, pal? You see that at the top of your legs? That's your arse and that's your fucking elbow! Do you want to write it down or s…

Well, Brian, congratulations! You've succeeded in convincin' me that you do 'ave the most tedious fuckin' job in England.

You think you can recapture your youth by fucking it? You don't want to fuck me. You'll catch something cruel.

It's funny bein' inside 'int it? 'Cos when ya are inside, yer still actually outside aren't ya. And then you can say when you're outisde, you're inside because you're always inside yer head. Do you follow that?