Mr. & Mrs. Smith Monologues

I never told you, but I was married once before.

Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!

We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.

How many? Ok… I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but…

Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.

I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.

I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

OK, I'll go first. Um… Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.

Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.

I'm in love. She's smart, sexy. She's uninhibited, spontaneous, complicated. She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.