Men in Black Monologues

A police officer joins a secret organization that polices and monitors extraterrestrial interactions on Earth.

You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.

See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!

All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me… so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?

Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself s

ome shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause… DAMN.

It just be raining black people in New York!

Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!

All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.

Your boy, Captain America, here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honours." He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though.

A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!

All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.

On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.

We are the best kept secret in the galaxy. We monitor, licence and police all alien activity on the Earth. We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret, we exist in shadow.

Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?

We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.

It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?

All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.

In the mid-50s the government started an underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everyone thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us that first night. Seven agents, one astronomer,

This way... They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted Earth for an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever see 'Casablanca?' Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed and concealed all the evidence of their landing.