Mean Streets Monologues

A small-time hood tries to keep the peace between his friend Johnny and Johnny's creditors.

You too good for this ten dollars? It's a good ten dollars. You know Michael, you make me laugh. You see, I borrow money all over this neighborhood, left and right from everybody, I never pay them back. So, I can't borrow no money from nobody no more, right? So who would that leave me to borrow money from but you? I borrow money from you, because you're the only jerk-off around here who I can borrow money from without payin' back, right? You know, 'cause that's what you are, that's what I think of you: a jerk-off. You're a fucking jerk-off! You're laughing 'cause you're a jerk-off. I'll tell 'ya something else,

I fuck you right where you breath, because I don't give two shits about you or nobody else.

Come on... Come on... fuck face! Come on... 'ya motherfucker! Motherfucker!... come on! I got somethin' for 'ya asshole!

Oh, I don't have the guts, huh? Come over here, I'll shove this up yer ass! Come on!

Hey asshole, this is for you asshole! He's a fucking asshole!

I always wondered what happens when she comes. Does she have a fit?

You see, I borrow money all over this neighborhood, left and right from every BODY, I never pay them back. So, I can't borrow no money from nobody no more, right? So, who would that leave me to borrow money from but you? I borrow money from you, because you're the only jerk-off around here who I can borrow money from without payin' back, right? You know, 'cause that's what you are, that's what I think of you: a jerk-off.

Hey, sorry lady! I'm sorry! I hate that lady with a passion… with a vengeance.

You two-faced, dirty fucking bastard! Don't you ever hit me again!

What's the matter, you too good for this ten dollars? Huh? You too good for it? It's a good ten dollars. Know somethin' Mikey? You make me laugh. You know that?

You don't know what happened to me. I'm so depressed about other things, I can't worry about payments. You know what I mean? I come home last Tuesday, I had my money, cash, blah blah bing bing, I'm comin' home, I ran into Jimmy Sparks. I owe Jimmy Sparks seven hundred, like for four months, I gotta pay they guy. He lives in my building. He hangs out across the street. I gotta pay the guy, right?

So, I was in there, playin' bankers and brokers, all of the sudden, I'm ahead like six-seven hundred dollars. I'm really winnin'. All the sudden some kid walks in and the kid yells that the bulls are comin', right. Now that the cops are comin', everybody runs away.

Meanwhile, I lost the deal, I go outside, I'm a little depressed, now. Anyway, I wanna cut this story short, 'cause I know you don't wanna hear all this and, I know I know I know, but, I'm gonna - to make a long story short, anyway, I went to Hal Kaplan, gotta new tie and I got this shirt. Do you like this shirt? It's nice. This tie…

Ah, it feels good. Hey, Charlie? The streets are empty. Thanks. Thank God. With that feast on, you can't even move in your own neighborhood. I hate that feast with a passion!

What do you mean? I ain't smart. I'm stupid. Remember? I'm so stupid you gotta look out for me. Right? Right?