Me and Earl and the Dying Girl Monologues

High schooler Greg, who spends most of his time making parodies of classic movies with his co-worker Earl, finds his outlook forever altered after befriending a classmate who has just been diagnosed with cancer.

Man, I don't even know. It might be his folks. I mean, dude's mom always tellin' him how handsome he is, which he ain't. So now he think he can't trust anybody close to him. Dude's weird-ass dad don't socialize with anybody 'cept the cat. So that's a role model ain't got no friends. Bottom line, dude's terrified of callin' somebody his friend…

It's just crazy how patient you've been. You know, I know if it was me that had cancer, uh… I'd be upset and angry and trying to beat everybody's ass half the time. So I'm just, I'm just amazed at how patient you've been. You, you make me feel blessed.

I'm so tired of you treating this girl like she's a burden. You know, her life is over after this! And you want to come over here bitching and whining about some irrelevant bullshit!

Like you care so much about what other people think, boy, you go around here kissing everybody's ass pretending like they're your friend. Look, nobody gives a shit about you, Greg! All right? Nobody gives a shit.

You gonna take her out for Ice Cream. And you gonna take me too, cause I love that shit.

We tried a lot of different ways of making a film for you, but they were all too goofy or irrelevant, or just not what we wanted. So, now I'm gonna talk to you directly. Um, all right, I'm gonna be honest here. Okay? Sometimes, white girls are particularly stupid. I mean, everybody's stupid, but white girls, you know... they think they better than everybody and self-centered and pretend they not. But you aren't like that, you know. Um, it's just crazy how patient you've been. You know, I know if it was me that had cancer, uh, I'd be upset and angry and trying to beat everybody's ass half the time. So I'm just, I'm just amazed at how patient you've been. You, you make me feel blessed.

One last thing. Hot girls destroy your life. That's just a fact.

You know I'm terminally awkward and I have a face like a little groundhog. I just feel like, you know, for a kid like me in high school best case scenario, just survive. You know? Survive without creating any mortal enemies or hideously embarassing yourself forever.

Summer. What does that word even mean, right? More "summ." Winter, same deal. More "wint"?

So again, if this was a touching, romantic story we'd obviously fall in love and she'd say all the wise, beautiful things that can only be learned in life's twilight or whatever. And then she'd die in my arms. But again, that's not what happened. She just got quieter and unhappier.

The idea behind each one was we took a film that we like and made the title stupider. And then made a new film to reflect the new stupid title. It's a formula that only produces horrible films, but for some reason we kept using it.

So if this was a touching romantic story this is probably where a new feeling would wash over me and suddenly we would be furiously making out with the fire of a thousand suns. But this isn't a touching romantic story.

My mom is gonna turn my life into a living hell if I don't hang out with you. I can't overstate how annoying she's being about this. She's basically like the LeBron James of nagging. LeBron James plays basketball.

Look, I know you're really bracing for this sweet girl that you probably like a lot to die. Just please bear with me She doesn't. She gets better. I promise.

That was the last time I saw Rachel. She went into a coma shortly after that, and died about 10 hours later. I know I told you she doesn't die. And I'm sorry. Deep down… somehow, I didn't think she would. But she did.

I remember visiting Rachel too. Sometimes she talked, and sometimes she didn't want to. When she didn't want to I talked. Or we watched movies. Sometimes she laughed, sometimes she didn't.

So, we're pretty far into this stupid story now and you're probably saying to yourself, "Hey. I like this girl Rachel. And I'm gonna be pissed off if she dies at the end." Don't freak out. She survives. So, hopefully, that reassures you. Although actually, why would it?

This is the story of my senior year of high school and how it destroyed my life. All right, this is the story of my senior year and how me and Earl made a film so bad, it literally killed someone. Okay, maybe that's not what happened, but my friend Rachel did get cancer and me and Earl did make a film and none of our lives would ever be the same.

Dear Pittsburgh State Admissions, I'm writing on behalf of someone who gave me half a year of his life at the time when I was at my most difficult to be around. He has a very low opinion of himself, which is why I think it's necessary that you hear from someone who sees him as he actually is: A limitlessly kind, sweet, giving, and genuine person. No matter how much he would deny it. The drop in his academic performance this year is the consequence of all the time he spent with me and the time he spent making things for me and how hard that was for him. You can ask him about it, but his sort of over the top humility will probably get in the way. No one has done more to make me smile than he has. And no one ever could.

I'm ugly, Greg! Everyone feels like they have to lie to me and no one realizes how insulting that is. Everyone thinks they're helping, and they're not."

Dear Greg, I heard what happened with your class work. And with Pitt State. So, I wrote them a letter, trying to convince them to let you back in. There's a copy in here, if you want to read it. Hopefully, it works, because that would mean I have powers from beyond the grave. But you should probably send them something too. Goodbye, Greg. You're a good friend. Although if you don't go to college, you're also an idiot. But you already knew that. Love, Rachel. P.S. I'd also like for you to take some of my pillows. They'll want a good home where they'll be loved. P.P.S. Not in the way you're thinking, that's disgusting.

Look, I don't want you hanging out with me. I don't need your stupid pity. It's fine, you can just go.