Knocked Up Monologues

For fun-loving party animal Ben Stone, the last thing he ever expected was for his one-night stand to show up on his doorstep eight weeks later to tell him she's pregnant with his child.

Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!

Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.

This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.

I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.

Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.

Oh it definitely is. That's why I got one in East LA. The rent, it's HUGE. The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.

I look good in blue... The fighting continues.

You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.

You screwed me, dad. You said everything was going to be fine and nothing is fine. Nothing is fine.

This isn't funny. Guy has 12 kids? That's not funny, that's... this is sick. This is a sick movie. That's a lotta responsibility to be joking about, that's not funny. I gotta turn this off, it's freakin' me out.

You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie? She's chosen to give you her life. She's picked you as her life partner! But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?

And Debbie's amazing, man. She's cool, and she's funny, and she smells good, and she's nice, and her hair always looks different... she's too good for you, man.

You're disgusting, you're an urchin. And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch! You're a filthy bitch, and I'd bust your balls!

Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Alison doesn't want to do that with me, and it makes me sad all day. I wanna go home.