How the Grinch Stole Christmas Monologues

On the outskirts of Whoville lives a green, revenge-seeking Grinch who plans to ruin Christmas for all of the citizens of the town.

It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags.

It’s because I’m green, isn’t it?

Maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more.

The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there... and on such short notice... Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! 4:00, wallow in self pity.", "4:30, stare into the abyss.", "5:00, solve world hunger" - Tell no one. "5:30, jazzercize.", "6:30, dinner with me" - I can't cancel that again! "7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing." I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness… But what would I wear?

Am I just eating because I’m bored?

Cheer up, dude. It’s Christmas.

Tomorrow is Christmas. It’s practically here!

That is not a chew toy!

Blast this Christmas music! It’s joyful and triumphant.

Be it ever so heinous, there’s no place like home.

I’m all toasty inside.

Stupid. Ugly. Out of date. This is ridiculous. If I can’t find something nice to wear I’m not going.

What is that stench? It’s fantastic.

One man’s toxic sludge is another man’s potpourri.

Kids today. So desensitized by movies and television.

Bleeding hearts of the world unite.

Holiday who-be what-ee?

I could use a little social interaction.

Give me that! Don’t you know you’re not supposed to take things that don’t belong to you? What’s the matter with you? You some kind of wild animal?

I’m an idiot. You’re an idiot!

Saving you, is that what you think I was doing? Wrong-o. I merely noticed that you’re improperly packaged, my dear.

HELP ME…I’m FEELING.

If you utter so much as one syllable, I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you’d like to fax me, press the star key.

That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? That’s what it’s always been about. Gifts, gifts… gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I’m saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice. The avarice never ends! ‘I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue.’ Look, I don’t wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is…

And they’ll feast, feast, feast, feast. They’ll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But that’s something I just cannot stand in the least. Oh, no. I’M SPEAKING IN RHYME!

Look, I don’t wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is stupid, stupid, stupid!

Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely.

I am the Grinch that stole Christmas… and I’m sorry.