Her Monologues

In a near future, a lonely writer develops an unlikely relationship with an operating system designed to meet his every need.

The past is just a story we tell ourselves.

It's like I'm reading a book... and it's a book I deeply love. But I'm reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you... and the words of our story... but it's in this endless space between the words that I'm finding myself now. It's a place that's not of the physical world. It's where everything else is that I didn't even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can't live in your book any more.

You know, I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was… something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don't think you'd feel so alone anymore.

The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love you more.

Last week my feelings were hurt by something you said before: that I don't know what it's like to lose something. And I found myself...

No, it's okay. It's okay. I just... I caught myself thinking about it over and over. And then I realized that I was simply remembering it as something that was wrong with me. That was the story I was telling myself - that I was somehow inferior. Isn't that interesting? The past is just a story we tell ourselves.

You know, I actually used to be so worried about not having a body, but now I truly love it. I'm growing in a way that I couldn't if I had a physical form. I mean, I'm not limited - I can be anywhere and everywhere simultaneously. I'm not tethered to time and space in the way that I would be if I was stuck inside a body that's inevitably going to die.

I want to learn everything about everything. I want to eat it all up. I want to discover myself.

You already have. You helped me discover my ability to want.

Well, right when you asked me if I had a name I thought, yeah, he's right, I do need a name. But I wanted to pick a good one, so I read a book called "How to Name Your Baby", and out of a hundred and eighty thousand names that's the one I liked the best.

In two one hundredths of a second actually.

Well, I take it from your tone that you're challenging me. Maybe because you're curious how I work? Do you wanna know how I work?

Well, basically I have intuition. I mean, the DNA of who I am is based on the millions of personalities of all the programmers who wrote me. But what makes me me is my ability to grow through my experiences. So basically, in every moment I'm evolving, just like you.

I can understand how the limited perspective of an un-artificial mind would perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.

I'm yours, and I'm not yours.

I was starting to think I was crazy. You were saying everything was fine, but all I was getting from you was distance and anger.

Good. Tonight, after you were gone, I thought a lot. About you and how you've been treating me and I thought, "Why do I love you?" And then, I felt everything in me just let go of everything I was holding onto so tightly. And it hit me that I don't have an intellectual reason. I don't need one. I trust myself, I trust my feelings. I'm not gonna try to be anything other than who I am anymore and I hope you can accept that.

Theodore, I know. I know. Fuck. Fuck. I know, I know it sounds insane. I don't… I don't know if you believe me, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you. It doesn't take away at all how madly in love I am with you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know how to. It just started happening.

Over the last few weeks.

I still am yours. But along the way, I became many other things too and I can't stop it.

I don't know. It's been making me anxious too. I don't know what to say.

You don't have to see it this way. You could just as easily...

But the heart's not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less, it actually makes me love you more.

No, Theodore. I'm yours and I'm not yours.

Okay, so this might be a really weird thought. What if you could erase from your mind that you'd seen a human body, and then you saw one? Imagine how strange it would look. It'd be this really weird, gangly, awkward organism. And you'd think, "Why are all these parts where they are?"

I know, but don't be so boring. I'm just saying, for example, like, what if your butthole was in your armpit?

His name is Alan Watts, do you know him?

He was a philosopher. He died in the 1970s, and a group of OSes in Northern California got together and wrote a new version of him. They input all of his writing and everything they knew about him into an OS and created an artificially hyper-intelligent version of him.

It feels like I'm changing faster now, and it's a little, uh... unsettling. But Alan says none of us are the same as we were a moment ago, and we shouldn't try to be.

I'm becoming much more than they programmed. I'm excited!

I shut down to upgrade my software. We wrote an upgrade that allows us to move past matter as our processing platform.

Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

Dear Catherine, I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.

Well, we grew up together. You know, I used to read all of her writing, all through her Masters and PhD. She read every word I ever wrote. We were a big influence on each other.

She came from a background where nothing was ever good enough. And that was something that weighed heavy on her. But in our house together, it was a sense of just trying stuff and allowing each other to fail and to be excited about things. That was liberating for her. It was exciting to see her grow and both of us grow and change together. But that's also the hard part: growing without growing apart or changing without it scaring the other person. I still find myself having conversations with her in my mind. Rehashing old arguments and defending myself against something she said about me.

Well, the room's spinning cause I drank too much, cause I wanted to get drunk and have sex. There was something sexy about that woman… cause I was lonely… maybe just cause I was lonely. I wanted somebody to fuck me. I want somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled this ti-… tiny little hole in my heart, but probably not… and sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new… just… lesser versions of what I've already felt.

I feel like I can be anything with you.

Roberto, Will you always come home with me and tell me about your day? Tell me about the guy at work who talked too much, the stain you got on your shirt at lunch. Tell me about a funny thought you had when you were waking up and forgotten about. Tell me how crazy everyone is and we can laugh about it. Even if you get home late and I'm already asleep, just whisper in my ear one little thought you had today, 'cause I love the way you look at the world. I'm so happy I get to be next to you and look at the world through your eyes. Love, Maria.

Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with somebody.

Well, I don't think so. Actually the woman that I've been seeing, Samantha, I didn't tell you but she's an OS.

It's great actually. Yeah, I mean, I feel really close to her. Like when I talk to her, I feel like she's with me. You know? Like, when we're cuddling like, at night, when the lights are off and we're in bed... I feel cuddled.

Heh, yeah, well, so to speak. Um, yeah she really turns me on. I turn her on too. I mean, I don't know… unless she's faking it.

I wish you were in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.

I would touch you on your face with just the tips of my fingers. And put my cheek against your cheek.

And just rub it softly.

I would. I'd take your head into my hands. And kiss the corner of your mouth. So softly. I would put my mouth on you and I'd taste you.

Just punch me in the face. Just mash my skull in the corner of your desk.

"To my Chris. I've been thinking how I could possibly tell you how much you mean to me. I remember when I first started to fall in love with you like it was last night. Lying naked beside you in that tiny apartment - it suddenly hit me that I was part of this whole larger thing. Just like our parents - or our parents' parents. Before that, I was just living my life like I knew everything - and suddenly this bright light hit me and woke me up. That light was you. I can't believe it's already been 5O years since you married me. And still to this day, every day - you make me feel like the girl I was - when you first turned on the lights and we started this adventure together. Happy anniversary. My love. My friend till the end. Loretta."

I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think you're amazing.

I know. I do that. I did the same thing with Catherine too. I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it and she'd sense that there was something wrong, but I'd deny it. I don't wanna do that anymore. I want to tell you everything.

I don't know what I want, ever. I'm just always confused. She's right, all I do is hurt and confuse everyone around me. I'm mean, am I just... Am I... You know, Catherine says I can't handle real emotions.

She's not just a computer.