Harold and Maude Monologues

Young, rich, and obsessed with death, Harold finds himself changed forever when he meets lively septuagenarian Maude at a funeral.

I suppose you think that's very funny, Harold... Oh, dinner at eight, Harold. And do try and be a little more vivacious.

Harold's father had a similar sense of the absurd. I remember once in Paris he just stepped out for cigarettes and the next I knew he was arrested by the police for floating nude down the Seine - experimenting in river currents with rubber water wings.

Harold, I only have a few minutes, dear, and I want to inform you of my decision. You have led a very carefree, idle, happy life up to the present, the life of a child. But it is time now to put away childish things and take on adult responsibilities. Oh, we'd all like to sail through life with no thought of tomorrow but that cannot be. We have our duties, our obligations, our principles. In short, Harold, I think it is time for you to get married.

I have here, Harold, the forms sent out by the National Computer Dating Service. They screen out the fat and the ugly, so it is obviously a firm of high standards. First, here is the personality interview, which you are to fill out and return. Now then, are you ready, Harold? Here is the first question. "Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?" Well, I think that's a yes, don't you agree, Harold? "Should sex education be taught outside the home?" Oh, I would say no, wouldn't you, Harold? Yeah, we'll give a D there. Three. "Should women run for president of the United States?" I don't see why not. Absolutely yes. "Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?" Well, you don't do that, do you, Harold? No. Absolutely not. "Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn't worth living?" What do you think, Harold? A? B? Oh, we'll put down C - not sure. "Is the subject of sex being overexploited by our mass media?" Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn't it? "Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?" No. We'll mark D. "Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?" Yes, I do indeed. "Do you go to sleep easily?" I'd say so. "Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?" Oh, yes, I do indeed. "In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?" Heavens, no! "Can God influence our lives?" Yes, absolutely yes. "Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?" Oh, yes, indeed. That's ab-so-lutely. "Did you enjoy life when you were a child?" Oh, yes, you were a wonderful baby, Harold. "Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?" It certainly has. "Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?" I even find the question distasteful.

"Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?" That's you, Harold!