Hard Candy Monologues

Hayley's a smart, charming teenage girl. Jeff's a handsome, smooth fashion photographer. An Internet chat, a coffee shop meet-up, an impromptu fashion shoot back at Jeff's place. Jeff thinks it's his lucky night. He's in for a surprise.

Cute Pedophile Pleads Guilty.

"Aww, it's not his fault. He's sick. He has an addiction."

Yeah. You might. You might get jail time. I dunno: therapy, drugs, group discussions, notifying people when you move into a new house. How bad is that, really?

Well, didn't Roman Polanski just win an Oscar?

It's hard to say for sure. Maybe not a Calabasas girl. Maybe not the daughter of a med school professor.

Maybe not even named Hayley.

I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.

I dunno. There's that whole nature versus nurture question, isn't it? Was I born a cute, vindictive little bitch or... did society make me that way? I go back and forth on that...

Of course they will. You're not an idiot, Jeff. You don't piss where you live. Those girls were your work, and I, on the other hand, was your play.

Who? The pedophiles! 'She was so sexy. She was asking for it.' 'Oh, she was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.' It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it! Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she's ready to do what a woman does.

I mean, you're the grown-up here. If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious, you ignore it, you don't encourage it! If a kid says, 'Hey, let's make screwdrivers!' you take the alcohol away, and you don't race them to the next drink!

Okay, okay, let's get something straight. YOU have been stalking me. I went into different chat rooms with different nicknames and you would get to know each one. And as soon as you found out they were any bit older than me you would just drop them like that. You took your time sniffing out someone my age.

You know, actually, it's kinda funny. Because every time I would mention some obscure singer or band, you knew so much about them. But not right away, it was like a few minutes later. Maybe enough time to look them up on the web? Jeff, you used the same phrases about Goldfrapp as they do on Amazon.com. Busted! Oh, and by the way, I fucking hate Goldfrapp.

Well, 4 out of 5 doctors agree that I am actually insane.

Okay, well you know what? I am not lonely and therefore not stupid. I untie you, you might understandably be a little peeved. So when I am ready to go, I'll call a cab and call another one to let you loose.

I wonder why they teach Girl Scouts things like camping and selling cookies. You know? 'Cause this is what's really useful. I don't know how they'd design a merit badge though. That'd be interesting.

Wow... You know, that is so thoughtful! You are speaking to me so selflessly! I mean, you just don't want me to castrate you for my own benefit? Wow, I'm touched. Jeff, why don't we imagine someone saying the same thing to you at a random moment? Imagine that when you downloaded this little girl... I was sitting by your side, saying, "Stop, don't do that to yourself." Would you have listened? "Stop. Don't do that to yourself."

Torture? Is this torture to you? Because wow, I guess you've never read anything about Amnesty International or Human Rights Watch, because this... this is nothing.

That's kind of been my question, Jeff. What the FUCK are you doing? Living in a house filled with pictures of half naked teenage girls. Oh, none of whom you've ever done it with.

There's really no point in me taking any risks, Jeff. Technically, I could let you scream your fucking brains out and no one is gonna hear you. Yeah, I waited till today because Mr. Coughlin is at work and the Krascos, they're vacationing in Santa Barbara. Still, I can't have some pedestrian just happening by as you're screaming so SHUT UP or next time, it's gonna be bleach, okay?

Didn't you remember what I said about not drinking anything you didn't mix yourself? That's good advice for everyone.

Seriously. It turns out that castration is like the easiest surgical procedure around, and thousands of farm boys across the country geld their own livestock. So I figured, if they can do it, then I can pull it off, if you know what I mean.

It's not me you need to worry about. It's Janelle. I called her, told her I was Lieutenant Hayley from the LAPD. How far does she live, Jeff?