Get Shorty Monologues

A mobster travels to Hollywood to collect a debt, and discovers that the movie business is much the same as his current job.

Rough business, this movie business. I'm gonna have to go back to loan-sharking just to take a rest.

Now I've been shot at three times before. Twice on purpose and once by accident. And I'm still here. And I'm gonna be here for as long as I want to be.

Look at me. What I'm thinking is, 'You're mine. I fuckin' own you.' But what I'm not doing is feeling anything about it one way or the other. You understand? You're not a person to me, you're a name in my collection book, a guy owes me money, that's all.

That was "Rio Bravo." Robert Mitchum played the drunk in "El Dorado." Dean Martin played the drunk in "Rio Bravo." Basically, it was the same part. Now John Wayne, he did the same in both. He played John Wayne.

Harry, look at me. You're trying to tell me you fucked up without sounding stupid, and that's hard to do.

Well, that's the difference between you and me, Harry. I say what I mean. I want Martin Weir? I go out and get Martin Weir. I don't fuck around with this bullshit with the trainer's shrink.

You know, Welles didn't even want to do this movie. But he had some studio contract he couldn't get out of. Sometimes you do your best work when you got a gun to your head.

Well, I could see myself in the parts that Robert De Niro plays. Or maybe even, an Al Pacino movie, you know, playing a real hard-on. But I couldn't see myself in those movies where three grown-up guys get left with a baby, and so they act like three grown-up assholes, acting all cute...

Bear, look at me. You tell your boss I don't ever want to see him again. And that means he's got to be nowhere near me, Karen, or Harry. You understand?

Okay, get up. What are you hanging around that guy for, anyway? I mean, you were in the movies, right? You were a stuntman. What's he ever done that he can talk about? You okay?

Leo, sit down. I don't know how you got this far, you're so fucking dumb. But you're through now, and let me explain why. Ray Bones is the man that you're dealing with now, and when Bones finds out what you did, he's gonna take everything, including the sporty little hat you got on your head. And then most likely he'll shoot you, so you won't tell on him. Now, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna hurt you. Now you got three hundred and ten thousand in the bag here. I'm gonna take the three hundred thousand that you scammed from the airline, and then the ten that's left over, I'm gonna borrow from you and pay back at another time.

At eighteen percent. Now don't ask another fucking question, I'm leaving.

Yeah, but I was never into it and especially that bullshit about having respect. Forget about it, it's bad enough treating these guys like their your heroes, you know, smiling those stupid comments, they think are so funny.

Well do you see a black leather jacket, fingertip length like the one Pacino wore in "Serpico"? 'Cause if you don't you owe me three hundred and seventy nine dollars.

You can't make a Martin Weir into a Mel Gibson. Where do you want to go? You want to go to Dan Tana's?

Look, I didn't come down to sunny Florida to freeze my ass. You follow me? You get the coat back or you give me the three seventy-nine dollars my ex-wife paid for it at Alexander's.

It's about a dry cleaner who owes a shylock fifteen thousand dollars and his three weeks over on the vig, the dry cleaner, let's call him "Leo" his scared and doesn't know any better so he leaves town and gets on a plane but the plane sits there and doesn't move so they announce over the PA system that there's some kind of mechanical problem and be delayed for an hour but they tell all the passengers to remain in their seats in case they can get it fixed sooner so the guy's nervous and in no shape to sit there and sweat it out so he gets off the plane and goes into the cocktail lounge and starts drinking one drink after another and he's still in the lounge when the plane crashes during takeoff, he couldn't believe his luck because if he stayed on the plane he'd be dead , now that everyone thinks his dead he wouldn't have to pay back the fifteen thousand dollars or what he owes on the vig, since Leo's name was on the passenger's list they bring his wife out to the airport where they're going through personal effects whatever wasn't burned up they tell the wife to look for only things she would know about, she returns home and the people from the airline come out to see her and they tell her how sorry they are and how their plane exploded they offer a settlement: an amount he would've earned if he operated the dry cleaners for the rest of his life

I don't know how you got this far, your so fucking dumb but your through and I'm going to explain why and I hope you're not so dumb you won't understand, Ray Bones is the man your dealing with now when Bones finds out what you did his going to take everything including the sporty little hat you got on your head and most likely he'll shoot you so you won't tell on him but I'm not going to do that I'm not going to hurt you now you got three hundred and ten thousand in the bag I'm going to take the three hundred grand you scammed from the airlines and the ten that's left over I'm going to borrow from you and pay back at another time