French Kiss Monologues

A woman flying to France to confront her straying fiance gets into trouble when the charming crook seated next to her uses her for smuggling.

Happy, smile. Sad, frown. Use the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion. But no. You want this mysterious…

You'll become one of those hunchbacked, lonely old men, sitting in the corner of a crowded cafe, mumbling to yourself, "My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch."

No, everybody loves their mother. Even people who hate their mothers love their mothers. The question is, one man meant for one woman. That is the question.

I hate Paris in the springtime/I hate Paris in the fall/I hate Paris in the summer when it sizzles/I hate Paris in the winter when it drizzles/I hate Paris, oh why oh why do I hate Paris?/Because my love is there... with his SLUT girlfriend.

Because I love him! And I'm afraid that if he doesn't come back that I'll... it'll hurt so much that I'll just shrivel up and I'll never be able to love anyone ever again.

I've spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself from exactly this situation. And you can't do it ! There's no home safe enough, there's no country nice enough, there's no relationship secure enough; you're just setting yourself up for an even bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process.

The key to French waiters: If you're nice to them, they treat you like shit. Treat them like shit, they love you.

Did you know that there are 452 official government cheeses in this country? Don't you think that's incredible? To come up with 452 ways of classifying what is basically a bacterial process?

I'm saying I *like* the cheese. God! What side of the train did you wake up on?

You know what, Charlie? No matter what I might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you'll wind up with tomorrow. The same old me, who wants the home and the family, who wants to plant some roots and see them grow.

Those French. They hate us, they smoke, they have a whole relationship with dairy products I don't understand.

No matter what I might seem like tonight, it's still the same old me from yesterday you wind up with tomorrow.

Why weren't you the one, Charlie? The one who turned on this big shiny Kate-light that burns so bright?

At a party. I'd just come to Toronto on a teaching exchange. We started talking. I had this feeling about him, same for him. It wasn't exactly a thunderclap or a lightning bolt, it was more like a…

You really, honestly never had that feeling about anybody in your whole entire life, honestly?

Huh… it's incredible how you do that. The words come out - "Welcome back" - but the meaning is completely different. What's the deal, is that a French thing or a concierge thing?

You did it again. Tell me something, because I just... I don't get it. Do you enjoy being that rude? Because when you do that, it just gets underneath my skin, and it makes me... completely... INSANE!

I didn't rush, you were right. But I didn't hide from it, either. I wanted everything to be perfect. I was 18. Jeff the Jock, my basement, Valentine's Day, "Jeopardy!" on in the background. It's a game show on TV.

Jeff said it would last longer with the show on to distract him. Got all the answers wrong except for sports. By Double Jeopardy!, he was done; by Final Jeopardy!, he was on his way home.

I don't know what they taught you in France, but rude and interesting are not the same things

I had this feeling about him, same for him. It wasn't exactly a thunderclap, or a lightning-bolt, it was more like a...